Always Nice to Meet Someone on the Same Brainwashing Drugs as You


(St. Paul, Minnesota) There’s nothing quite like meeting new people, is there? Whether it’s at a networking event or when someone just starts screaming at you at the bus stop, you are never far from remembering just how diverse, wonderful, and horrifying humans are. Now, just as interesting as meeting new people is getting to know new people, a completely different process. You get to find out if your interests, loves, fears, and doubts align. Most importantly, you can discover if you are on the same brainwashing drugs, a surefire sign of a strong friendship. Isn’t that just the best?


Take my wife, for example. We met back in the 80s when brainwashing was a lot more Clockwork Orange than 1984. There was no soma like there is today, only eye-openers and a string of films directed by a person disturbed. We knew that we would love each other forever at the very moment we first talked to each other about the famous brainwasher and film director Heinrich Goodles. We had both been washed by his movies and had an immediate connection upon this realization. There’s nothing quite like it, I tell you.


Or, as another example, my current best friend and badminton partner Julianne. Jules and I would never have established the strong bond of friendship if we hadn’t bumped into each other picking up our brainwashing drugs at the pharmacy that one time. We ended up hitting it off and going back to my house to take them together. It was a total trip, but since we were both experiencing the same things, we ended up growing through it.


I have no envy for those of us who refuse the medicine that our government provides. As a society, we all benefit from a collective hive mind. Ignoring this obvious next evolutionary step is what has held us back from moving beyond our planet, our system, our stars. By refusing these drugs, you are not only betraying our nation, but you are missing out on a series of relationships that could be just what you have been looking for.


And, if you happen to be on Beta Beta 712, let’s link up online. I bet we’d get along.






This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who already forgot most of it. Follooooow him if you please @NPEllwood.

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