(London, UK) Congratulations! After years of tinkering away in your workshop, you finally made that breakthrough you’ve been waiting for. Time travel is now a reality and it’s all thanks to you! Now, the question becomes: what will you do with your power? Are you going to go back to stop the Kennedy assassination? Or maybe you’ll just see what your parents were doing when they met. The point is, the choice is completely up to you. All that said, let me pitch you my idea for where and when you should go. You need to visit the 14th century and become the coolest plague doctor of all time. Here’s how:
Now, first thing’s first. As we all know, the Black Plague began in 1347 and had a significant effect on the whole of Europe. During this time, plague doctors were in vogue. So much so that each year those who had not yet been consumed by the Black Death would come out in droves to see the world’s best and brightest plague doctors strut their stuff and compete for the top prize: a castle and a swamp out by the river. Back in the day, this was just about all you needed to live out your days as a ruthless baron, with many leaving their plague doctor businesses behind entirely after winning the contest.
In order for you to fulfill the time-travelers dream, we recommend that you go back to 1345 with the dopest plague doctor outfit Amazon has to offer. By beating the crowds, you can gain a significant advantage on the other competitors for best plague doctor and make a name for yourself.
Speaking of, branding is going to be a huge thing that you will need to do almost immediately upon arrival. I mean, how is anyone going to tell the difference between you and all of the other plague doctors unless you have something to set yourself apart? I recommend some sort of sigil or symbol that can be sewn into your gown for optimal affect. Considering that marketing won’t have been invented yet, you can really put yourself in a good position.
Other than that, it’s really going to come to your personality and ability to sell yourself to the crowd. Keep in mind that most of these people have lost entire families to this horrid disease and that your image is a constant reminder of that fact. So, you know, keep it light. That’s all we can tell you now, the rest is in your hands.
And hey, if you win, invite me over to you castle and don’t forget who made you what you are. Never forget that.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who enjoyed dreaming the dream, but the dream was a meme and now the cream is in the stream. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.