(Keystone, SD) On hills sacred to the Lakota Sioux in the deep wilderness of Dakota lies the faces of four ‘great’ presidents of American history. These men stare down, stone faces petrified forever in the same pose. What you may not know about these faces, is that they are actually alive. Not only that, but the reason they don’t adjust their faces is not because they are frozen in immortal rock, but because they are terrified into shock by the horrors hidden in the Black Hills. The indigenous people have known about them for centuries, but let me us tell you about the Spider Kings of Mount Rushmore.

First seen back in 500 B.C., the Spider Kings were first described by eye witnesses as “gods walking among the tall rocks.” Things were simpler back then, but you get the gist. Later descriptions go on to describe their shape and figure as “unnaturally stretched” and “looming like the towers from our dreams.” Over time, these stories remained, but their details began to develop.

Around the time of Christ, other reports came to light of these Spider Kings. In fact, it was here that we first learned that the spiders subscribed to a government and had multiple kings ruling them. One brave soul even tried to enter the ranks of these beasts, but was impaled upon a giant spider leg almost immediately. No luck, good sir.

Until, a woman by the name of Roaring River went off into the forests of the hills and created fake spider legs upon which she entered into the kingdom. Her reports offer us a glimpse into what they are truly like, and it was this glimpse alone that made us fear them for so long. Here is a quick excerpt:

April 12th. The Spider Kings walk among us as if they do not understand who I am, but I know that they know. Their multitude of eyes is always watching me and I haven’t been able to sleep in days. I have seen each of them consume all manner of creatures without hesitation. Should they ever become hostile, we will no longer live in a world of men, but a world run by these beasts. 

As you can tell, these horrors are better left alone. If you do see them at the park, we are so sorry.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who hopes that justice wins. Follow him for more on Twitter @NPEllwood.