(Los Angeles, CA) After years of false endings, scapegoats, and secret missions into the core of the Earth, the investigation into the size design of American Apparel clothes has come to an end. The mystery has been solved, the hatchet buried. After mounting pressure from all sides, American Apparel has stated in a press release issued this morning that the original designs for all of their clothing was made for alien bodies, not humans. They took it one step further and went so far as to say that they did this one purpose and were just trying to “get ahead of the curve.” Obviously, we are going to dive into this.

The press release went on further to tell the following story: back in 1989, right at the end of the Cocaine 80s, the founder of American Apparel had a vision. He wanted to be the first person to make clothing for aliens. Somehow, everyone at the investment firms he visited loved the idea too and American Apparel was born.

They named it American Apparel because, like all things American, we wanted to make sure when the aliens took these clothes beyond the stars that they would be emblazoned with a reminder of our country. Our stupid little country.

Next, they drew mock-ups of what they imagined these aliens would look like. They divided these designs into 5 different options, ordering them using even numbers to keep it simple: 2, 4, 6, 8, and 10. They imagined that these aliens would be coming in a matter of months at this point, so they decided they should go ahead and set up shop already. They opened their first store, but they thought it would be months before anyone actually showed up. Little did they know that hipsters will wear anything if it is $100.

The rest is history, as they say. American Apparel has flourished in spite of it’s origins and horrible sizing created for creatures beyond our realm. However, the founders are still convinced that the aliens will come and their dream will be fulfilled.

We wish them the best of luck.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, follow him here @NPEllwood.