(The Burbs, USA) If you were like me as a kid, you were made for the capitalist lifestyle and always had an internal clock that would blast you wide awake at 8 AM every morning. Unfortunately, most other kids my age enjoyed something called “sleeping in” that I still don’t fully understand. While typically I would fill this time by reading a book or something, when it came to sleepovers, I would almost always end up hanging out with whoever’s mom was around, which was usually Mrs. Blanchard because they had the biggest house. Over the course of multiple years, we shared 8 dark secrets that I will tell you now, because otherwise I believe I may explode.

 

Secret #1: There is actually no love in the pancakes. That is what is called a lie. It’s just rubber and glue, nothing else.

 

Secret #2: Jordan was born on the moon. Don’t bring it up though, he doesn’t like to talk about it. His mom told me last week at Panera.

 

Secret #3: Despite your deepest, darkest fears, you truly have no idea how low you will sink. The only way to understand it, truly, is to do it. You must sink so low that you can look up at what you once thought was your rock bottom. At this low, this absolute zero, you will dig deeper. You will sink down under this bottom and find yourself. Remember me, when the Time comes.

 

Secret #4: The eyes on the horizon are for you.

 

Secret #5: Gilbert Glorentine knows me better than anyone, and you know that? He’s in jail for something I did. God, I really need to stop drinking wine at 9AM.

 

Secret #6: The infinite world of our dreams is a reality in and of itself. You just have to believe.

 

Secret #7: You have a crush on Stephanie and Devin, Billy told me. Don’t worry about it, kid, your secret is safe with me. I actually don’t care, I just want you to know that I know.

 

Secret #8: I’m not even Billy’s mother. I got this family for free as part of this whole witness protection thing. I had a much different life a few years ago, but I guess you could say I am content. I know I’m not supposed to be talking about this, but they said that you can tell kids because who’s going to believe a kid, right? Ah what the hell. Here, have an Eggo.

 

I’m sorry for telling these to the world, Georgia, but I can already feel my burden has been lifted. Good luck with the whole witness protection thing.

 

 

 

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves plain hats, especially for hiding. Follow him here if you please @NPEllwood.