So, here’s the thing, I’m not a big socializer. I get along with others OK when I need to, but for the most part I like to stick with what I know. I eat the same thing every day and I try my best to be an honest and consistent person. However, there are times where I am called to socialize in a way that I cannot avoid. This, of course, is when the dread sets in. Now, this isn’t your normal social anxiety, but something much more specific. I am honestly just worried that every person I meet is going to tell me about the time they ate a cockroach.

You see, one time this guy told me that exact story at a company ice cream social. He approached me early in the evening and we made pleasant humor over our competing flavors, myself with mint chip and him with Rocky Road. What a prick. But I thought that was the end of it, you know? Instead, he approached me later in the evening and we began chatting again. Just a few minutes into this, he tells me how he ate a cockroach one time on a dare.

Listen guy, I don’t care and frankly, I’m sick of hearing about it. Just the other day at another networking event, the exact same thing happened with another man I met. What in the hell is going on? Why do people keep telling me these things? I have stopped leaving my house unless absolutely necessary and even then I pretend to be sick a lot. If one more person tells me a cockroach related story, I swear I will just go live in the woods with Hozier.

I mean, maybe I should hang out with so many business people. I have heard that Silicon Valley folks will eat anything if it has protein and most salespeople don’t have souls, so they feel less remorse when they consume organic matter. Also, if I quit my job, I’ll never have to leave the house and I can just be one of those people with a bunch of pets.

I don’t know why I haven’t thought of this before. Yeah, I need to get away from a world that is OK with this heinous behavior, this violation of nature. I need to live away from the business people and with the people of the forest. They’ll understand me. They don’t eat cockroaches.

Oh no, they probably do, don’t they?

Damn it.

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who will spill soup at any possible occasion, but never on purpose. Follow him @NPEllwood or just, like, stalking or whatever.