How to Tell People About the Time You Ate a Cockroach

la-fg-c1-china-cockroach-photo3

This is a sponsored post. We want to thank our sponsors, The Gremlins of Bonesoup Pass, for their continued support of our wee journal. The Gremlins are not actually a business, they just have some extra money they spend on print, radio, and TV advertisements so that we never forget they exist. Thanks again to our friends over at Bonesoup Pass.

 

HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

 

You sit down to dinner with your friends and family. Dad just had a big work anniversary and his spouse is celebrating a full moon, so obviously everyone is in good spirits. You’re just about to dig in to another burrito provided by the generous hosts, when someone from across the room asks you to talk about the last time you ate a cockroach. You’re caught off guard, so you stumble through the story and leave out all of the good details. No one remembers your cockroach story and you grow a little older and a little sadder.

 

THEN YOU NEED THIS GUIDE: How to Tell People About the Time You Ate a Cockroach

 

First things first, think back to your latest cockroach crunch and picture in your mind the way it made you feel. Whatever that feeling, whether it be joy, disgust, or something in the middle, that is what you want to invoke when you retell this story. Focus on this emotion.

 

Now let’s say that you experienced joy the last time you ate a cucaracha. This will be our starting point. As you picture yourself telling this story, are you smiling? You should be smiling. Wider. Nice. The next thing you should be doing in order to convey that you experienced joy at some point in the story is wildly waving your arms around. This will give the person you are talking to something to look at while you go on about it.

 

Number two on the list is to get your facts straight. You don’t want to have any holes in your story so that when your friends compare notes on the cockroach story you tell, they won’t find anything to refute. Did you like the cockroach on the first bite? Or was it an acquired taste? Was it alive? Did it squirm? You must be prepared to answer these questions and more.

 

Third on our list is this: make sure you have eaten a cockroach before telling a story about eating a cockroach. A liar, my mother used to tell me, is worse than a rat and rats get bashed against the wall. She also told me snitches get stitches and the best way to make a first impression is knocking someone’s teeth out. She’s a real gem.

 

Fourth and finally, pace yourself. Don’t jump ahead to the part in the story where you realized the cockroach was still alive too quickly. Without the proper buildup, the punch line falls flat and you lose the attention of what could have very easily been a captive audience. Always save the best part for last: the fact that you actually liked it. Most people will assume you won’t have liked the experience, but if you do the other steps properly, people will be ready to truly understand your joy right along with you.

 

d452d1efc3f45bbd006cf8a4cf65fa2b.jpg

 

That’s it for today’s guide. Check back soon for more.

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who can neither confirm nor deny whether he has ever eaten a cockroach before. Follow him for more vaguing on Twitter @NPEllwood

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s