Well, let’s not delay. There’s a war to be won, after all. Here’s the scenario: you are an elf at Helm’s Deep. You have been summoned here by your elf commander and are tasked with defending this once great fortress. The uruk-hai are coming and you are what stands between the death and total destruction of a race of men. Will you survive the night? Take this quiz now to find out!
Question 1: The uruks are approaching the wall in a solid line of flesh: what do you do?
A: Draw your bow, aim, and fire.
B: Pee your pants, faint, and hit your head on the wall, casting deep embarrassment and shame on your family name.
C: Jump straight into that most pit.
D: Kiss the elf next to you, now that you realize the end is coming.
E: Kiss the first uruk-hai you see, now that you realize you are in love with the end.
Question 2: The enemy has mounted ladders on the wall and has begun to climb. How do you respond?
A: Draw your bow, aim, and fire.
B: Start climbing down the ladder to beat them at their own game.
C: Push as many ladders off the wall as you can before body slamming
D: Run and find your best friend, Hector, who is currently hiding in a barrel. Push him down the stairs for one last laugh, then run and jump straight off the wall and into the hell below.
E: Eat your own arm in a panic.
Question 3: The uruks have blown up the wall and are now in the courtyard. What is your approach?
A: Stay on the wall, draw your bow, aim, and fire.
B: Slide down the stairs on a shield like Legolas. Only, you aren’t nearly as graceful as he is, so you end up eating it and breaking your remaining arm. You will be unconscious for the duration of the battle.
C: Run further up the wall and start throwing anything you can find off at the oncoming army. Bottles, plates, dead soldiers, anything to get the job done.
D: Draw your hidden blade and sneak to your friend in the barrel. Confess your love and then drive your blade through every uruk until you can’t any more. Do it for barrelfriend.
E: Start dancing atop the wall to distract everyone. Bring the world together through the power of dance.
Question 4: You have fallen back to the keep and the uruk-hai are now at the door, what’s your plan of action?
A: Draw your bow, aim, and wait for them to break through.
B: Start barricading the door with additional furniture, understanding how futile it is but unable to not at least try to survive a little bit longer.
C: Pray in the corner to every god you remember. Hope that somehow you will be saved. Write a note saying ‘I regret nothing’ so people know you were cool.
D: Try desperately to find an escape through the back tunnels.
E: Sing the song of your people as the walls come caving in.
Question 5: What will your final words be, should the door not hold?
A: “I drew my bow, I aimed, I fired. That’s all I ever knew how to do, but I did it well.”
B: “This was not what I expected, but it’s what I deserve.”
C: “These final moments do not belong to me, but to the Void. I’m finally going home.”
D: “Nothing but the blood of my forefathers will save me now.”
E: “Eat the marrow, eat the flesh, baptize yourself in blood and succumb to the thresh.”
YOUR RESULTS: Unfortunately, you did not survive the night. I mean, you saw the movie, none of the elves did. Sometimes life is just a bitch like that. Sorry bout it.
This article/quiz was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves the ol’ Lord of the Rings, but not The Hobbit. Get out of here. Follow him @NPEllwood.