If I, A Straight White Man, Can Do This, Why Can’t You?


(Hartford, CT) “I don’t get it. Like, what’s the big deal, you know?” continued Matt Woodson to a stunned audience at the Women and Women First conference. “I mean, lately it just feels like white men have been getting in all this trouble for everything and for the first time in my life I have felt the slightest bit of resistance to the way I think, talk, and act, and it’s been absolutely horrible.” At this point one of the panelists leaned forward into their mic and asked, “Um, are you actually serious?” Woodson replied, “Yeah, I am. I mean, if I, a straight white man, can do this, why can’t you?”


This was followed by the sound of each woman in the audience’s soul shattering into a million pieces in anger. If you don’t happen to know what that sounds like, picture a coming storm on the horizon.


After taking a beat to recover, another panelist responded to his question in form. “Sure, do you want me to break it down for you? Write a little article for you to read the title of and share with your friends for woke points? Sure, I can do that for you, do you have the time? I don’t.”


“Okay, I’m going to pick up where they left off,” another panelist continued. “Why do you feel like others can do the same things as you when you are literally the most privileged person in the room?”


“Me? The most privileged person in the room? Are you kidding?” Matt replied indignantly. “My father didn’t start the world’s largest oil comp-”


At this point he was cut off by the panelists in unison who yelled, “This is not your time. Be quiet and listen for once in your life, Mark.”


“It’s Matt.”


“Just stop.”


The rest of the afternoon went on like this, with Matt learning almost nothing, but also making the women on the panel do more labor on his behalf, so not great. What a schmuck this guy.


After 30 minutes of “not exactly a question, more of a comment,” Matt was escorted out by security and thrown into Feminist Prison where he will serve a 90 day sentence, as is the law now. We can only hope that we are done with him and his kind, but sadly we know that we aren’t.


‘What a time to be alive,’ they said. They were wrong.


So, to answer your question, “Why can’t you do this if I can as a straight white man?” The answer is simply: look around, assess the world we live in, and ask yourself, “Is this question really worth asking or is there something better I could be doing with my time?”





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, you bet. Follow him @NPEllwood and visit here and donate if you would so kindly thanks.

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