In a recent interview with SLIME magazine, CEO and perpetual president of Amazon Jeff Bezos shared some insights into his life never before unleashed to the public. Amongst these personal anecdotes was the fact that he has gotten into much better shape in recent years. Although this isn’t all thanks to just Jeff, it does give him a more intimidating vibe that he clearly is going for. Jeff even went so far as to admit in this interview that he has been staying physically fit in order to “fight off revolutionaries when the time comes.” What exactly did he mean by this and how soon is that time going to come?

 

Somewhat taken aback by this confession, the interviewer asked a followup question. “The revolutionaries? What exactly do you mean by that?”

 

“Well, as you probably know, I am the wealthiest person in recently history. I mean, I say person, but we know I could just say man, right?” Jeff chuckles to himself for a split second before regaining his composure. “So I know that a revolution is coming, obviously. I know there are little dweebs on Twitter and Tumblr that will take the first chance they get to come for my neck. But I’m a proactive guy and they are going to be in for a surprise when the time comes.”

 

“You keep saying ‘when the time comes.’ How can you be so certain that it is coming?”

 

“You do know who I am, right? I’m Jeff Bezos. The whole world wants to be me. When the whole world wants to be you, the whole world wants to kill you. That’s just the way it works.” Jeff reaches down to grab a bottle of Prime Juice that he quickly swallows in one gulp. “Sorry, my doctors tell me I need to drink 10 of these a day to live long than them. That’s the goal at least. What was I talked about?”

 

“You were saying the whole world wants to kill you. Care to expand?”

 

“Oh right, of course. So a few years ago I decided to get myself a stylist and start pushing the limits of my body. I now work out 7 times a week with the world’s top trainer and 5 times a week I see a kung fu master that teaches me everything he knows. He lives in my guest house, pretty chill guy. All that said, if someone comes for me, I want to make sure I am as prepared as I possibly can be.”

 

“I was wondering, you looked so cut at the Met gala, I almost couldn’t believe it.”

 

“Thanks, but I don’t want any more water. What else do you want to know about me? Did you know I’m in a throuple? You could say I’m pretty progressive and cool. I’m relatable, right? Tell me I’m relatable. I need people to get off my back about all of this labor crap, you gotta help me seem relatable. Please.”

 

“I guess that’s time.” And the interview ended.

 

This interview courtesy of the Global SLIME Corporation, LLC. Copyright 2018.

 

 

 

 

 

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who hopes Jeff is reading this. Stop hoarding all the money dude, we have a bunch of problems you could fix. Follow him for more of this on Twitter @NPEllwood.