In an effort to clear the air and preemptively get ahead of the coming buffoonery, I want to issue the following Opinion piece, straight from the horse’s mouth as it were. Coming soon, in a near future, scientists will obviously crack the human genetic code or develop some sort of pill or device that will allow us to shrug off the burden of sleep. At this point, human society will leap forward and all new wonders and horrors will be born in the extra 8 or so hours we will all collectively gain. Sleep will become obsolete in the way that the dinosaurs are obsolete. It will cease to be. That is, except for me. Yep. Even if science eliminates the need for sleep, you’ll still find me getting those sweet natural Zs, baby!

I have given this a lot of thought and therefore I want to lay out my argument and make sure everyone is one hundred percent claro about the situation, but listen, people are going to call me bold and ‘a visionary’ in the future and boy won’t you look foolish. It’s not that I am lazy and don’t want to use those extra eight hours, although that is part of it. And it’s not like I even am one of those people who ‘loves to sleep’ or is a ‘nap queen,’ I simply don’t believe in giving up natural sleep. We’ve been doing it for forever, why stop now?

And I can already here your little squirrel hands typing replies to this with your formulas and your theories, but listen, I can’t and don’t read, so I’m not going to learn how just to see what you are saying, ok? So don’t waste your time. I mean it. But more importantly, you would be wrong to criticize me and here is why: once people get a taste of not sleeping, just staying up indefinitely, they won’t be able to go back. Imagine the new activities you can do, shows you can watch, skills you can learn, and foods you can eat with 24 hours in a day instead of just a measly 16 hours if you’re lucky. The trick is to never find out what that’s like.

You see, it’s like edging for your brain, only, you never actually do it. You hold onto that knowledge that you can tap into it at any moment, should you choose. However, you know that you never will and that is what propels you forward. At the same time, so few people will do this that you might even get paid to sleep so people can study you, win-win.

So, again, in preparation for this discovery, I want you all to know that I’m not giving up those Zs for anything. If you want to join me, just keep doing your thing and I’ll reach out to you when the time is right. You know, for like a big group nap or something.

Okay laterrr!

This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who wants to be sleeping right now. Follow him if you would be so kind @NPEllwood on all social medias that matter.