(The Swamplands, FL) Do you ever feel haunted? Like there is something behind every corner, around every turn? You aren’t alone and often, you aren’t wrong. Hauntings happen around the world every day and you are right to believe in them. Speaking of which, I have just got to tell you about this weird thing that happened to me recently. I was watching my Roomba scoot around the room and I realized that something about what it was doing seemed familiar. Before I could do anything, the automated vacuum machine turned to me and spoke to me. You’ll never guess who it was.
That’s right. John Ellis (Jeb!) Bush has been living in my Roomba for the last 4 months. Without rent, I might add. Turns out, ol’ Jeb! was tired of doing whatever it is that he does with his time and was looking for a change of pace. He came across this new and innovative start-up that allows you to upload your existence or ‘soul,’ whatever you call it, into a Roomba for an extended period. Jeb jumped at the idea and signed up right away.
Happy to have a celebrity on board with the product, this new start-up sent Jeb! right to the front of the waiting list and captured his soul in a Roomba post-haste. The last 4 months, Jeb! has been puttering around my living room after I found the machine at a garage sale down the street. When he finally did speak, he immediately told me how much he loathed being in the machine, but he had signed a 6 month contract and had to see it through.
Unfortunately, once he started to talk, I couldn’t get him to shut up. He told me about his failed presidential campaign. He told me about living in the shadow of George’s paintings. It was horrendous and would not end. This has been far more of a curse than a blessing, and I was expecting the reverse.
I wish someone other than Jeb! was stuck in my Roomba. I wonder if I can leave a review with this company to let them know how I feel. I didn’t ask for Jeb! to be in my home. At the very least, you could just make it so he can’t talk, or is that too Black Mirror-y? Maybe he wasn’t even supposed to say anything and he just couldn’t help himself. I wouldn’t be surprised.
Anyway, if you know anyone who wants a Roomba with Jeb! the Bush stuck in it, drop me a line.
This article was written by Nathan the wood. Follow him for more on Twitter or wherever @NPEllwood.