In recent months, Facebook and it’s executives have come under harsh scrutiny as new data leaks are revealed and weird far right-wing plots exposed. I personally do not want to talk about that. I hope they get what they deserve. However, when Facebook inevitably implodes, I still want a place to chat with all of my hip friends and plan social events. I have considered Twitter, but it is for other things in my mind. Tumblr could be an option, but the people running that website don’t understand what they are doing. No, when the crap hits the fan, find me where it all began on Yahoo! Kids.
That’s right Yahooligans, you read that correctly. While yes, currently Yahoo! Kids maybe not have a social feature, but how hard could that be to add once Facebook is gone? Anyways, get ready to learn some animal facts and watch James Blunt music videos, because Yahoo! Kids is where it’s gonna be at.
And let me tell you this, as soon as me and the others have the power we once held in middle school, we will make sure that Mark Zuckerberg is never able to make an account on the site. He will have to roam the void that is the internet without a hand to hold and he will know that his blue shirts are never going to save him. Delicious.
I cannot wait to be back on top. I can’t wait to once again rule the high scores with an iron fist. This definitely isn’t about the fact that Mark Zuckerberg and I were rivals in high school and it’s definitely not at all, never could be about how much that has festered in my soul for years. I will take over Yahoo! Kids and I will drive it to the top of the mountain. No one else. Me.
You will look on and will not be prepared for when the thunder comes. No, you’re the one screaming from your basement and stockpiling hot sauce packets for the apocalypse, you are! I will not let this conundrum continue, I will ensure that a new empire rises. If you want to be a part of it, follow me there, to the land of School Bell and Sports & Recreation. Where things are simpler, where things make sense.
So meet me there, please. Our future depends on it.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves random exclamation points like in Jeb! or Yahoo! Kids. Follow him @NPEllwood.