(Austin, TX) We come to you from our position tracking the Beto campaign to bring you this breaking report. While record early voter turnout in the state has some hopeful for Beto’s chances, a new bombshell has just dropped and everything is up in the air. According to an associate at The Hard Times, although he has proclaimed his love for the band and has been reported as wearing an Unknown Pleasures t-shirt to multiple town halls, Beto O’Rourke is not a legitimate Joy Division fan. In fact, we are going so far as to say that he may not even know more than one or two of their songs.
Please hold your gasps, we are just getting started.
Yes, as we already said, this could have a major effect on the election. Don’t believe us? Listen to these two pieces of evidence and tell me differently. 1. Austin is notoriously lazy and won’t have early voted, so they will show up on Tuesday. 2. Austin loves Joy Division, it’s playing constantly throughout the city, and a small dig like this is enough to make these petty hipsters throw away their future. While free healthcare and better immigration policy sound nice, music taste is really what will sway Austinites vote.
Is there anything Beto can do in order to fix this? Yes. Good question. In order to restore our faith in this man that we all love and have big crushes on, we need him to perform at least 5 songs from various Joy Division releases, on stage, in front of the capital. Along with this, he must give a 25 minute speech about the impact of Joy Division on the 70s and 80s punk movement. Unless these demands are met by tonight, we will have no choice but to
Not to sound like one of those hundred text messages you have probably gotten from the campaign, but please go vote and just do it. It’s the bare minimum you can do if you want to have any control over your future. Okay, hopping off the horse now.
Thanks for tuning in to this breaking report. Next, we interview the Slenderman about his latest stand-up album, Notes from the Forest.
This article was penned by none other than Nathan Ellwood. Hey. Follow him on Twitter or whatevr @NPEllwood.