Apple Announces New iOS Update Where if Your Phone Dies, So Do You


(Cupertino, CA) In a press released straight from the ghost of Steve Jobs, Apple, one of the world’s wealthiest companies, has announced that the new iOS operating system for their iPhones is going to take customer engagement to a whole new level. According to this recent publication, the heartbeat of each and every Apple user will be connected with their phones once the update hits next Tuesday. From that point forward, each of the users that filled out the terms of service will not be allowed to let their phone battery fail unless they plan to suffer dire circumstances. TLDR: Your phone dies, so do you.


We decided to reach out to CEO of Apple Tim Cook for comment. Here is what he had to say:


“Listen, this isn’t just some random decision we made without considering the consequences,” Cook explained over the phone. “This came directly from user data. We had countless people leaving us reviews online saying things like ‘I couldn’t live without your phones’ and ‘Your technology is my lifeblood.’ How cool that these users finally get to live out their dreams and actually have their life dictated by Apple. Inc. I think that’s fun, don’t you?”


And, as it turns out, he’s not wrong. We also conducted some interviews with Apple users and Tim Cook seemed to be saying exactly what they were. It was actually pretty weird, their lines seemed to be read off the same prompter. Was Apple dictating to them or simply reading their minds? Which of those options is worse? It’s something we won’t have much time to think about now that we have to keep our phones always working.


Already, wireless charging ports and all manner of lightning cables have sold out across the country, including some that have been price gouging with reckless abandon. No one is willing to let themselves die for something so silly and many are protesting the company and their use of terms and service to steal their users souls. But the price of the new iPhones is going to drop significantly in exchange for bodily fluids, so some art on the fence.


Us? We’re running for the hills.





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who misses the good ol’ days of living in the moment, walking around, doing nothing. You know, like B.C. times. Follow him @NPEllwood.


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