(Naperville, IL) What is the first rule of real estate? Location, location, location. Of course the second and less known rule is arson, arson, arson, but nobody talks about that, do they? Regardless, some companies like Walgreens have got the location game down, allowing them to ride on convenience factor alone and sell us our needs at a 3 minute shorter walk or car ride than the next best store. Unfortunately, this means that the people who work at the particular Walgreens near my house have seen me at some pretty low points, helping me to create this piece. I present to you just a few things about my life the Walgreens cashier knows that I really wish they didn’t.
Thing #1: There was one time where I needed an afternoon snack because I forgot to eat lunch and there was nothing else around. I went in thinking Snickers, but decided to try something new this time so I got a big Toblerone. I went to checkout at the register and the cashier greeted me warmly. Somehow, in our brief exchange, I told them one of my deepest darkest secrets. I don’t know why I felt compelled to do this, but I have felt a weird kind of special bond with them ever since. The Toblerone was OK.
Thing #2: Another day I was in need of an icy hot patch or five because I am a broken body grinding away the days into dirt, but enough about that already, am I right? I went up to the counter and the same cashier was there, waiting for me, happy to greet me. I put down the patches and they casually asked me what they were for. I told them the back of my knees got so sweaty they started forming iron deposits and I had to use the icy hot patches to wear them down. They made sure not to touch anything I bought after that without gloves.
Thing #3: Exactly how much I buy wine and Oreos around 8:45 PM on most Tuesday and Friday nights.
Thing #4: I once went in there to buy some toilet paper, LIKE EVERY OTHER HUMAN IN THE WORLD HAS TO, and they were judging me for it. Listen, I don’t need that, OK? Do you think I am a person who is having a good day when I run to the Walgreens near my house to get more TP? Nah. Nah.
Thing #5: Finally, my worst shame yet. I went in to buy a single tube of Pringles. This act alone seems so embarrassing to me that I can’t even comprehend it. When I went up there to buy it, the same damn cashier was staring me down. They tried to greet me normally, but their mask slipped and I saw what they truly thought about me clear as day on their face. It was utterly humiliating and I actually haven’t been back since. How dreadful.
Which brings me to what I will be doing with my life now. I have decided to wage war on Walgreens in every way I know how. It is a short list, but I’ve got some ideas. I will break the soul of this company that knows things about me no one should ever know.
All this said, I wish the cashier no harm. It is not their fault, they should not be held accountable for the sins of their corporation. No one should.
This article was written by Nathan Ellwood, who made some brownies while writing this. 50 minutes in a cast iron skillet for at 325. Bam. Follow him for less cooking tips @NPEllwood.