(Washington D.C.) I am writing this to you LIVE from the steps of the United States Supreme Court where I am trying to find people to hear me out about my petition. You see, over the last several months I have been collecting signatures in a crusade to see my dream come alive and to full fruition. Going back just a little bit further, I had a dream for the idea of renaming a day of the week. I thought it would be a funny new thing to have happen and might give us something to smile about as a country. Now, I am so close to achieving my dream and I need you help to get me there. Please, let’s make the Supreme Court hear my case for why we should rename Wednesday ‘Double Tuesday.’

First, in the interest of full transparency, I will admit that I got caught up in the dream and didn’t actually get 5 million signatures. At least, not by U.S. citizens. I paid a click-farm in Bangalore is what I’m saying. OK, that felt good to get off my chest. Onward.

So here I am, just a few hundred feet away from potentially fulfilling my destiny. However, I do not know enough about how the law works in America to know what to do next. I have been thrown out of several law schools around this great country and I can’t figure out any other way to get someone to teach me about the rules of our society. I have to take it unto myself to read Wikipedia page after Wikipedia, mainly in bird law I’ll admit, but still trying to learn something, anything.

I have asked a few people entering the building for advice about how to get my petition into a law with enough weight to maybe in mean jail time for offenders and they all just laugh at me as their personal security guards ask me to go do something less crazy and more touristy. Little do they know that I have asked both my mother and my dad (both doctors) and I am fine, so take that to your court of law. That being said, the idea to be more touristy gave me another idea.

I know I began this asking for help renaming Wednesday ‘Double Tuesday,’ but I am now realizing the path to that is a little bit less Democratic. I am going to make my way to the national gallery and steal the Declaration of Independence. While I am doing that, I need you the people to help me stay out of prison, convince people the real document is safe in a vault only we know where it is, and use the PR to then force congress or whoever to make my Double Tuesday bill a law.

Ok, BREAK.

This was “written” by Nathan Ellwood. “Whatever,” you know? Follow him @NPEllwood.