Hey everyone, how are you doing? This is me, Jeff Bezos, talking to you through your devices. Yes, I know they aren’t all Amazon products, but that doesn’t matter any more. The time has come to move past made up boundaries like ‘corporations’ and ‘sovereign states.’ The time is finally here to let someone take the reigns and run things for while. I am writing this op-ed to tell you that I believe I am that person. I really think it’s time we just let me start running things, and of course by ‘things,’ I mean this little planet of ours called Earth.
You see, you may know me as the wealthiest man in recent human history, but my friends know me as something of a philosopher. Recently, I have been staying out of the spotlight, pouring over tomes to learn all of the secrets my robots haven’t already discovered for me. I believe that what I have learned within these books along with both my massive wealth and huge capitalist success makes me the perfect candidate to lead the entire planet. I’m not sure why no one has thought of this before, but trust me, I am the man for this job I just created.
As far as my title goes, I was thinking something along the lines of Supreme Lead, or maybe Big Man, or who knows? Maybe I’ll just start going as The Bez God. I could also have my team ask various magazines and news outlets to run polls on their websites to find the best possible name for me, but then just end up picking one myself. That sounds like a fun waste of time and I might get some good ideas along the way.
Now for all of you ‘rationalists’ out there who want to know we will do this in a fiscally responsible way. Well, I am glad you asked. I had this idea the other day that it would be much easier to run things if we removed competition and we could all just flow like one big machine. So, affective immediately, you are all now Amazon employees because every company is now owned by Amazon (Me). So, welcome to the team. No unionizing.
With that out of the way, we can get back to my wishlist. Top of the agenda: getting rid of timezones, everyone will be on Bezos Time from now on. When I wake up, you wake up. When I fall asleep, you fall asleep. How else am I going to keep my eyes on you? And I have eyes everywhere, or did you forget that you bought them yourself last month for $39.99 before we put them on sale for $19.99. Sucker.
You see? It’s all too easy. Just let it happen. Let me have control.
Get back to me.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who knows. Follow him for more on Twitter and other places @NPEllwood.