(The Burbs, USA) Attention all residents, this is a Neighborhood Watch report. According to reports coming in from our citizens and peace keepers, there has been an increase in fear around the suburbs of major cities and a general fight that is palpable in the air. Apparently, this is due to something referred to by locals as ‘the Looming Giants.’ Large structures that surround us in our daily lives and silently creep closer, plotting their next move. Now, people are asking us if they can even leave their homes, much less continue with their lives while these giants abound. Unfortunately, the truth is that no one is safe, but we can offer a few tips that will hopefully help you survive.

The first thing you need to know about these looming giants is that they will never move when you are looking at them. They work in darkness and secrets and will hunt you down in the dead of night, but during the day they are relatively harmless, as long as you keep an eye on them. Every time I drive around the city, I try my best to watch them and report my findings to others as I can. So far, they haven’t moved much, but many have been lost regardless. So how do you fight an enemy that operates in such a way?

Well, first of all, you need to invest in a solid pair of mirror glasses for getting around. Unless you have these, who knows what kind of hijinks the looming giants will be getting up to. Next, in similar fashion to the Phantom of the Opera, you need to keep your hand at the level of your eye in case the giants decide to use their whip-like cords to attack you. I have only seen this happen once, but trust me, it’s not a pretty sight.

Again, you cannot trust these horrid beasts with an inch, for they will take a mile, and potentially a few limbs in the process. They are ruthless, toothless, and will crush you beneath their feet. I don’t know what else to say, but please be careful about these giants, these beasts. You will never be able to look at the same, trust me.

Because this is honestly the most horrible part, how commonplace they are. Over time, they have slipped into the fabric of our society without the slightest thought or care in the world. But now that we know what they really are we can’t allow them to continue.

We need a hero to slay these giants and rid us of them. Yes, it will destroy our electrical infrastructure, as they have been roped into being a part of that, but it will be worth it. It has to be worth it.

Stay safe out there citizens and as always, please report anything you see into your Amazon Echo devices. They are always listening.

This is an article by Nathan Ellwood, yes indeed. Follow him @NPEllwood.