Area Woman Can’t Wait to See All the New Ways She Manifests Her Anxiety in the New Year


(Grand Rapids, MI) “Last year I had this weird clump of hair that would just appear in the shower when I took my glasses off,” she began. “So who knows what will happen this year?” With each new year comes opportunity to change everything about yourself or continue to build upon yourself or maybe just chill out for a bit. For one Rachel Holtzer, she knew herself well enough to know that the new year would be full of new and exciting anxieties for her to live through and deal with. Instead of being distraught by this, Rachel told us that she is actually looking forward to seeing all the new ways she manifests her anxiety in the New Year.


“Everyone around me was making resolutions, but I knew that those are nothing more than a fool’s errand. You see, I have never been able to anticipate what my brain is going to do in each new year that passes. I am always surprised and scared and also totally underwhelmed by the normalcy of it all. Anyways, I started writing down a few ways I think my anxiety will manifest in the New Year. Can I share those with you now?”


At this point, Rachel shifted in her chair three times, finally settling with one leg draped over the arm of the chair. She then pulled an incredibly tiny notebook from the pocket of her chambray shirt and licked her finger before turned to a page about halfway through. She then began to read from the page. “This isn’t new, but every night I have to check the corner of my bedroom for the Mom from Hereditary. This year, I believe that I will actually see her.”


“Next, ooh this is a good one. I had this dream the other night where I started seeing hot air balloons all across the sky every day of my life. I would drive to work and there they would be, floating above the city. At first I thought that it was just me, but everyone was talking about it. Who was up there? Who did they serve? And for what purpose were they lurking up there like a sneaky crow?”


“Another one here,” she said, continuing to thumb. “I predict that I will walk into work one day and my boss will just be a large ant. I will be forced to move on with my day, as this ant that is now my boss will be pissed at me for forgetting to meet with the Senator. I know it will be in my head, I will scream that it’s just in my head, but no one will hear me. I will live like this and you know what? It will be OK.”


She pauses here. “This one probably won’t happen, but that’s kind of the idea. It’s all going to be so much worse than this, isn’t it? I love that.”


Rachel then walked away, down to a dock, onto a boat with the words “Restless Leg Syndrome” painted on the back, and sailed away. Orinoco Flow.





This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who dreams of one day being as cool as Enya. Follow him @NPEllwood.


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