(Los Gatos, CA) Times are tough and every penny counts, but we don’t have to tell you that. You know what the deal is, you know why you’re being paid less and your boss is getting paid more. Think about it and really let it simmer, trust me. Even big companies like Netflix are feeling the heat of this economic situation and have announced, amongst other things, that they will be taking cost-cutting measures as soon as possible. One of these measures is to charge more for their service, but a less reported process they will no longer require is for customers to be forced to walk across a bed of hot coals in order to cancel their subscription. Everything counts, I guess.

According to the press release issued by the streaming giant, this customer retention marketing strategy just wasn’t realistic anymore. “Back in the old days, we could threaten people with hot coals and they would just walk away, thinking we were crazy. That was kind of the idea,” said one spokesperson for the company. “But now, people don’t even bat an eye and we’ve been losing customers left and right.”

And it appears this may be true, as Netflix has reportedly been losing subscribers in record numbers ever since people realized how easy the dark web is to tap into. Another spokesperson for the company explained it best. “We have to think bigger, better, wronger. I want people to be so afraid of even the idea of cancelling their subscription that they won’t even bat an eye when we start monitoring their brain activity. All for the sake of the customer, right?”

This turns out to be referencing another small announcement made by Netflix this weekend where they detailed their plans to offer something called Netflix Caps that you are supposed to wear while you watch shows, but are encouraged to wear as much as you want. We had our investigative team find the patent and it seems like they will use this cap not only to try and read your mind, but also slowly make you go bald so you’ll never want to take it off out of embarrassment. All for the sake of customer, right?

Which leads us to the last sinister thing that Netflix has announced today and that is that they are renewing Friends From College for 11 more seasons. At which point, everyone in the world said, “Oh, I’ve been meaning to watch that,” before going into a sort of stand-by mode. This is another customer retention marketing strategy according to Netflix, but so far no one can tell how exactly it works.

Thankfully, I watched that show months ago and was so underwhelmed that any news of it went completely over my head. Meaning that I was not put under the cursed company’s spell and thus reporting this to you now.

Bum Bum.

This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who knows who did it, but was forced to secrecy. Look into your heart and you will find what you have been looking for. Follow him @NPEllwood.