(Corn Ranch, TX) Over the last several days, tabloids and reputable newspapers alike have been caught up in the news that billionaire and notorious rich guy Jeff Bezos is getting a divorce from his wife MacKenzie after 25 years of marriage. While early reports state that this could be one of the largest divorce settlements in history, Bezos has surprisingly kept his cool and has even issued a press release to quell any doubts investors might have about his state of mind. At first, the Amazon CEO only seemed to be able to talk about ‘alive girls,’ but soon he found his footing and got down to what he wanted to say. “You can have my fortune,” the release states, “just leave me my army of drones.”

The statement went on to say “I have loved my time with MacKenzie and nothing has brought me more joy in my life than hoarding a ungodly amount of money, but I think of my drones as my children and I would sooner part ways with them than earn another cent. They are what I have been working towards and they are my great reward. After all, what is money to a man that has an army at his disposal?”

Obviously, many journalists and people in the media were intrigued and slightly confused by this odd pronouncement and reached out to Bezos and his team of publicists for further clarification. The Eritas Daily writing staff was mainly interested in what Bezos has planned for all of these drones and exactly how concerned we should be about said plans. “It’s nothing to worry about,” declared an email from a source close to Bezos. “There’s nothing malevolent about these drones. He (Bezos) simply wants to continue delivering the best possible experience to the customer.”

However, a recent patent submitted by Amazon Inc. shows that this may not be exactly accurate. According to the drawing attached to the document, Bezos has instructed each of his engineers to install a working weapons system in each and every one of their drones. Not only that, but there was another patent submitted that would only allow drones to fire at a pre-approved list of individuals deemed by Amazon as ‘enemies of Prime.’ As someone who has been a bug in the ear of Bezos and his buddies for quite some time, this is only slightly worrying.

If there is one place we can find solace in this unpredictable time, it is in the fact that Bezos seems to possess only the basest of human emotions and will hopefully only be able to think within the confines of how Amazon’s stock price will be effected by any potential assassination attempts. So, for the time being, we are safe.

Just don’t get too comfortable, the drone army is coming one way or another. At this point, it’s only a matter of time.

This was written by Nathan Ellwood from a place outside of the United States. Where, exactly? Why don’t you mind your business. Follow him online @NPEllwood.