Opinion: I Want to Slurp Up a Rollie Pollie Like Pacha in Emperor’s New Groove


(Lima, Peru) Hey everyone, first time long time and all that. I have been reading this publication for awhile and I felt like I wanted to be part of it. However, I didn’t know what to write about. At first, I was going to rank the dogs in my neighborhood by cuteness, but I quickly realized that this was impossible. They would have all been tied for best. Next, I was going to talk about the amount of Trader Joe’s samosas I have eaten in my lifetime, but again I knew I would never be able to recall all of them. Finally, I knew what it was I would have an opinion on, my very own hill to die on. I want to slurp up a big ol’ rollie pollie just like Pacha in Emperor’s New Groove.


The first time I saw this beautiful work of art, this masterpiece of a film, was back in the wonderful year of 2000. Everyone thought that computers were going to kill everyone when the clock struck midnight, but instead we just got fun little treats like this while animators pushed the limits of what they could do. It was a great time to be a kid and my imagination grew from these experiences of story-telling. But all that aside, what I really want to talk about is how tasty that damn bug looked on that table.


Why did they do that? Seriously, that was a creative choice in a multimillion dollar film, plus they had to animate it. Oh man, it was probably racist I am now realizing, but I am not going to investigate that thought further. I’m going to choose to believe that everyone who worked on that movie just really, really wants to eat bugs, rollie pollies in particular. That brings me joy and as Marie Kondo says, “eliminate everything in the world that threatens your ability to experience joy.”


And now, I, a fairly normal person or so I believe, am faced with this weird fascination with bugs as food in films. Timon and Pumba? Don’t even get me started on those Hakuna Matata tasty bugs. What was that about, though? God. I’m sickened and starving at the same time. What is happening.


It’s like there is a bug inside my head forcing me to crave other bugs. Do bugs eat other bugs? Like the marlins and the trout? Man, I’m sick of these brain bugs and their nefarious schemes. That’s some weirdo stuff and I’m not interested in that lifestyle. People can be weird, it’s just not for me. I’m normie and proud.


Anyways, just call me when we can make my bug eating dream a reality. Until then, I’ll be at home watching some more Disney films. Peace.





This article was written by Nathan Ellwood who happened to be inhabited by the ghost of Ezma’s ghost while writing this. What, you don’t think she’s dead by now? Grow up. Follow him @NPEllwood where it counts.


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