“It really is that simple,” one billionaire surveyed told us. “I just forgo sleeping. And honestly, once I got started, I never looked back.” In a recent study of over 100 successful individuals, a word which here means wealthy enough to hunt people for sport, it was found that all this time there has been one simple key to success. Millions of articles, think-pieces, and books have been written on what successful people do differently than the rest of us schmucks, but it turns out the one true answer was so simple that no one except the truly successful people thought to try it. The secret is to never, ever sleep. Simple as that.

 

Here are some real testimonials from some of the successful people from the study.

 

Isaac, 29, Businessman. “It started back in college when I needed to study for a particularly stressful test at an 8 a.m. class. I knew that unless I stayed up all night I was going to fail. Like that was just a fact in my brain, no questions asked. So I went to the library, filled up my growler with coffee, and stayed up all night studying. The test went well and something about the accomplishment of it helped me stay up for the rest of the day. Then of course, it was Friday night so I went to a party and even though I was about to hit hour 32 of being awake, I was feeling on top of the world. Haven’t slept since and now I own two houses.”

 

Jaime, 35, Associate. “Nothing makes me happier than not sleeping. I haven’t even really used the extra time to get ahead or anything, I just have spent my time that was spent sleeping staring at my ceiling, in my bed, wearing my pajamas. I have found that the absolute stillness of this act rejuvenates me in a way I never felt with sleep. I think about things, I imagine scenarios, but mostly I just stare. As far as being successful, my Dad was super rich so I am just successful by default.” 

 

Claire, 41, Businesswoman. “The first time I stopped sleeping, I did it for my career. The second time I stopped sleeping, I did it for love. Now, I stopped sleeping for myself. I’ve ascended, what have you done?” 

 

Jillian, 56, Coordinator. “Maybe when I retire I’ll have time to sleep, but I imagine that I’ll want to have more time for fun activities. Huh, fun activities. You know, with all of this extra time, I never considering using it for something fun. I’ve always just gotten ahead on my taxes or done another spreadsheet, but I could have doing something fun like Sudoku this whole time. What a trip.” 

 

Jax, 102, Businessperson. “Well to me it was just simple math. Most people were working around 8 hours a day, which seemed like a lot when I devoted 8 or so hours to sleeping. Then I realized that if I got rid of sleeping, I could double the amount of working hours in the day. But then, the big one. I mean, why limit myself right? 8 hours of free time, meet another job. That’s 3 jobs baby. That’s a good ROI. I’ve been working nonstop for years and I’m still alive. Money literally makes my blood move.” 

 

Kaleah, 39, CEO. “You think I got where I am now by sleeping? You must be living in the 20th century. Even before I could talk, I knew sleep was a scam. I would wait until my parents fell asleep, crawl out of my crib, and get started on some simple arithmetic. I have been ahead of my peers ever since and honestly, I didn’t even have to try that hard. It’s all about time. Malcolm was right. Gladwell that is.”

 

 

 

 

 

This was written by Nathan Ellwood on a Tuesday around 5:30 pm, but the rest shall be lost to history. Follow him @NPEllwood.