Report: Guys, Tonight is THE Night


Hello hello party people, welcome to the weekend. You made it through the slosh that is the grind, the 9-5, and now you’re gonna drink away the pain. And that’s awesome. We want that for you, as long as you do. Friday is finally here and we can unleash the beast within us or something from a Red Bull ad. I’m telling you guys, tonight is THE night. You know what I mean? Seriously, I hope you do because we’ve gone over the plan like a thousand times. When I give the signal, we’re going to rob the diamonds off that foreign investor. Tonight is the night, so don’t let it slip away. We’re only young forever, tomorrow’s another day.


OK, so a little bit of background here. Last year I was out on the town with some friends when I realized that the more we were willing to spend on alcohol, the more affluent people we begun to hang out with. Little did these people know that we were common trash and like common trash we would act. So, for the last 365 days, ever night I would come up with new ideas on how we could spend more to make more. A classic cool guy business move and I’m the slickest schmooze in town.


While I was planning, we made strategic placements with both how we would spend our evenings and who we would get to know. Some of us took positions as bartenders and members of the wait staff. Others would go with a list of names and headshots on their phones, looking for ways into exclusive cliques within the clubbing community. Two of our friends got in too deep and haven’t been heard from for months. This was all part of a bigger plan.


So when I say tonight is THE night, I mean that there is no turning back. Our lives will never be the same after this one great party. We’re going to dance through the night and feel the bliss of the city. We’re going to leave our love on our sleeves and eat the sun.


Now’s the time to live big my friends, for the heist has already begun. The wheels are in motion and the machine is oiled. Don’t fail me now. Share this moment with me. Live with me in the moment.


And don’t forget to grab the jewels.






This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who wants to plan a heist at some point, but possibly more low stakes than an actually crime. Follow him @NPEllwood.


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