Look at it there, sitting on the counter all smug. The King of Appliances, the Insta-bake, something so synonymous with kitchens we should rename them Microwave Rooms. And yet, this favorite friend of ours is often more fiendish than it first appears. In fact, this year, across the nation, there has been a sharp uptick in the amount of demon activity in, within, and around microwaves. So much so that we have decided to take it upon ourselves to educate the masses on proper microwave upkeep and demon-spotting. So sit back folks and enjoy this step-by-step guide to checking your microwave for [REDACTED].
(Sorry, according to the rules of the universe, we’re not supposed to reveal the names of these specific demons. Our bad. Anyway, let’s get into it!)
Step 1: The first and most important step in this process is to clean the microwave, in and out. Demons are often drawn to the crumbs left behind by various pot pies and meat pockets, leading to a more severe infestation. Keeping your cooker clean is the best way to prevent a demon from living in your microwave, but if you’re reading this guide, I’m guessing we’re already passed the prevention stage.
Step 2: Next, after cleaning your wave, try to have a conversation with your demon about who they are, what their motivation is, why they might be living in your microwave, that sort of thing. The answers will likely be ‘a demon, bored (and/or hungry), and to ruin your life,’ respectively. Although this likely won’t do anything but further anger the demon, it’s always friendly and professional of you for at least attempt to get to know them.
Step 3: Make a trip to Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Ask the first employee to greet you where they keep the ‘demon finders.’ Wait for their eyes to turn black and then follow them to the back of the store. Be sure to wear gloves when touching the device. Mount it on the wall for additional support and point it directly at your microwave.
Step 4: While you wait for the demon finder to do its thing, put on a film, preferably one with demonic undertones. Demons are notoriously self-involved and won’t give up a chance to glimpse themselves on the silver screen. Unfortunately, you can’t finish the movie, otherwise the demon will escape into it along with your soul.
Step 5: [REDACTED BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT FOR BEING TOO SPOOKY]
Step 6: Afterwards, hose down the kitchen and hit the nearest Home Depot or Lowe’s or whatever and pick up a new microwave. In a couple of months, repeat the entire process.
Alright, now you’re all set! Godspeed.
This helpful guide was created by this dude named Nathan Ellwood, who wishes upon multiple stars each night, but won’t ever tell you what for. Follow him @NPEllwood.