(Grapevine, TX) Now, I don’t want to brag, but I am friends with a lot of celebrities. OK, I’m totally bragging, but it helps me get to my point. One of my famous friends is the recent R&B(?) sensation(?) Post Malone, a Grapevine native and someone I used to hang out with after school by the dumpster. We would throw rocks at bottles in the garbage and try our best to break them. We have a history you could say. Over this history, something has repeatedly happened that I must tell you about now. On 5 separate occasions Malone has asked me for a hairbrush and when I told him he couldn’t use mine he got a tattoo out of anger. This is that story.
The first time was actually the first tattoo Post ever got. I was arguing with him about the calculus homework when we were like 16 and so I didn’t want him to use my hairbrush. With that, he kicked the dumpster we were standing next to and walked around to the other side of it where his older brother was giving stick n pokes with a rusty guitar string. He got the word ‘Flex’ on the inside of his front lip and showed it to everyone at school the next day. I did not expect this to turn into a pattern.
The next time was literally the next day. We were sitting at the dumpster, per usual. I was over the whole calculus thing, but he had just recorded his first song and I thought I was going to be the rapper of our friend group. Again, his hair was all a-mess and he needed a brush, but I just wasn’t having it. This time he got the word ‘Thrive’ on the backside of his ear. It got infected and so he showed everyone that at school the following day.
Fast forward a few years, we’re seniors now. We’re about to go to a party with some friends and Austin’s hair is just getting completely out of control. Apparently a few other people have been not lending their hair care products to this man as by this time he is covered in tattoos, including a half sleeve. I don’t remember why I didn’t let him borrow my hairbrush, but at this point I was seriously considering just buying him one. Only, he was notorious for losing things at our school, so who knows what would happen. Regardless, you can guess what happened. I left before seeing what he got.
At this point in my life after graduating I wasn’t interested in spending time with Malone more than necessary. One way or another he would get angry with me, actually it was just one way, and then blame me for the weird tattoos he would get in his frustration. His Soundcloud was blowing up, he could afford a damn brush or a comb or probably even hire some sort of personal groomer or something. I told him this and then he had his personal tattoo artist do a tasteful drawing of my face on his chest. He’s a weird guy. I didn’t even run into him, he just manifested in my bedroom.
Finally, just the other day, I was dragged to a Post Malone concert and we made our way up to the front because we all went to school together and for some reason that comes with perks now. He pointed me out immediately and said into the microphone “My man, you got that hairbrush on you?” This time I was ready, this time the cycle would end. I pulled the brush from my backpack and lobbed it onstage to Malone where he immediately dropped it, breaking into multiple pieces. He then let out a large scream leading into his next track and a new tattoo grew onto his cheek from seemingly nowhere.
I don’t know what this means. I don’t know why it’s happening to me, but I think that I am cursed. Leave me to wander the planes and the wastelands and the swamps of sorrow. I wish you the best. So long.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves bogs the best. Follow him @NPEllwood.