This is an all news bulletin. Local authorities are issuing a message of caution to all citizens for the next 24 hours. A roving pack of influencers has been spotting on the outskirts of town and their motives are unknown. Eye witnesses report seeing some ex-Viners digging through dumpsters and some even said that they seemed to be growing in number, somehow being joined by other influencers. We don’t know what they want, but they seem to be taking a lot of selfies. Do not approach them and most importantly, don’t tell them about that cute gazebo near the middle of town.
For those of you who aren’t in the know, influencers are people that are just better than you that are paid to sell you products by being relatable. I’m sure there is a less cynical way to put that, but that’s not how we do things here. You must be new.
Update: It has now been reported that the influencers have moved in on a local boutique clothing store looking for cute looks. We advise that you do not go near the Susan’s Shirts on 12th street, as you may get caught in one of their Instagram Live streams. Thankfully, this makes them very easy to track.
We managed to speak with the owner of Susan’s Shirts, a woman named Brenda, about what it was like to see them up close. “They were very shiny and very rude. I think they may have cost me a good amount of business, but what was I going to do? Every time I tried to interject, they just kept yelling at me that it was free advertising. I just hid in the back until they left, as it was immediately obvious they weren’t buying anything.”
After leaving her store, the influencers all piled into the only Uber X in town and disappeared around the corner. No word on where they are off to next, so please use extreme caution.
Further update: The influencers have parked their moving tiny homes nearby the food trucks and have caused a massive confusion. They are now angry at the people banging on their door asking for food, but to be fair, they did have “Trap Burger” written on the side of their home, so it was an honest mistake.
Apparently this upset them enough that they have left our fine berg and have gone looking for greener pastures, or at least more photogenic ones. And to that we say good riddance.
This was written, probably. Follow the writer.