(New Haven, CT) “Yeah yeah, I get that,” sputters area man and tech junkie Wilson Fink, speaking with a recent acquaintance. “I know that you aren’t going to actually save my number, but let me explain to you why you are wrong.” It is with these bold words that Wilson seals his fate and sets himself on a path many men have walked, yet few have survived. He is about to attempt to power through this woman’s obvious disinterest in him, just to prove his point. Why is he doing this? Well, that’s actually the funniest part, he thinks he still has a shot. Let’s see how this works out for him.
“Excuse me? Dude, listen, I just want to drink this water in peace before getting back to my day, OK? I don’t care.”
“No, see, you’re still not getting it. I am trying to teach you something here, aren’t you interested in being right?” Wilson seemed flustered by this point, pacing back and forth, taking sips of his incredibly small espresso cup. “If you would just listen for a second I could tell you how to be correct in the future, that’s all.”
“And I’m telling you I don’t care about that. In fact, I would like to go back to my own thoughts rather than continue this conversation. Capiche?”
“Actually, it’s capiche.”
Stung by this simple utterance, Jody, the woman he was speaking with, took a small step back while staring at Wilson with absolute hatred in her eyes. Her head then rotated on her neck 360 degrees, seeming to ignore all laws of physics, before walking away and out through the nearest exit door. Wilson then looked around for someone else to verify that what he just saw actually happened, but no one was paying attention to him.
He tried to get the attention of the barista behind the bar and when they came over he asked them, “Did you see what just happened?”
“Yeah dude, I almost came over here to say something,” said the hipster bro pouring out old dark roast coffee. “You should have left her alone man, it was clear she wasn’t interested.”
“Wait, what?” Asked Wilson defensively. “I’m talking about her heading spinning around like it was on a swivel, what are you talking about?”
“You kept trying to mansplain something to her that she clearly wasn’t interested in, it was boarding on crossing the line, so I almost stepped in. Luckily she left before I had to do that.”
“Am I the only one whose sane around here?” Fink asked to no one in particular. Then, reading the baristas name-tag, he continued “Now let me tell you why you’re wrong Butternut.”
Over the course of the next 30 minutes, Wilson explained to Butternut why he thought that he was wrong about him in excruciating detail. It was just as he started to take a turn for the racist when the cops that the barista had preemptively called earlier finally arrived. As they took him away, Butternut heard Wilson trying to explain to the officers why they were wrong about arresting him, but he had already moved on with his life.
No one ever heard from Wilson Fink ever again, but some say they can still hear him on the wind mansplaining away. God, I sure hope not.
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