(Seattle, WA) In a recent opinion piece published by The Washington Post, the author known only by their screen name “Jozef Befs” defends the right of billionaires to live their lives without almost zero limits. “I think we should just create new, more lenient laws that only apply to the 1%,” argues Befs. “I think at this point they have earned it. Then, we make the rest of the laws super strict to motivate all the rest of you poors to get your act in shape.” Although it wasn’t disclosed within the article, Eritas Daily has received confidential information that the author of this article was none other than Amazon CEO and owner of the Post, Jeff Bezos. Apparently, he wrote the op-ed wearing a children’s mustache costume to make sure his identity remained a secret.
Before we get into this, I do want you to take a moment and wrap your mind around that. Arguably the most powerful man in the world doesn’t understand how disguises, the internet, or anagrams work, much less pen names. Just wanted to make a note of this. OK, let’s continue.
We weren’t the only ones who caught this and some critics soon took to Twitter with their own theories. “It’s Elon Musk,” some said. Others pointed the finger at notorious boot-lickers like Jacob Wohl and Ben Shapiro, guessing they were hoping to score bonus points with what they assume will one day be their overlords. Way to shoot for the stars, you two. None of us are proud of you.
The story ended up picking up enough steam that a representative of Bezos came out to set the record straight, although we believe they are just hoping to avoid another “I love you alive girl” story. Here is their statement:
“Clearly this was written by someone who understands the great lengths that people like Jeff Bezos go to ensure that we all live better lives. Amazon firmly stands with the author, whoever it was, because we believe that less restrictions of our leader will only lead to better service of our customers. After all, our customers are why we do this, not the piles of money accumulating in my garage.”
Unfortunately, the representative was soon called away to deal with a whole other scandal that had just broken about Amazon accidentally forgetting to pay their warehouse workers for the last four years. No further word has been put forth by Bezos or his estate, but if general opinion means anything, and we know it doesn’t, he could be in real trouble soon.
Of course, general opinion could have some weight behind it if it actually was used in an organized, revolutionary fashion, but we don’t have time for that at the moment. All we know is that Jeff Bezos definitely wrote this op-ed while wearing a disguise because he absolutely believed he would get away with it. And you know what? He’s probably going to prove himself right.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves all billionaires the same, in that I don’t. Follow him @NPEllwood.