“It will be like living in one big tube,” the Amazon billionaire told investors last week. “Only, the tube is going to feel exactly like Hawaii or Florence or Dayton. The possibilities are literally endless (because the technology doesn’t exist yet).” This last part he muttered into the microphone under the roar of applause from the crowd. For those who aren’t already aware, Jeff Bezos and his space company Blue Origin have announced plans to send ships to the Moon, other planets in our solar system, and beyond. Additionally, they are considering creating enormous, spinning cylindric worlds for humans to live in once our current planet has been ripped to shreds by climate change.
But honestly, we don’t care about any of that. Instead, we are here today to tell you exactly how to secure your spot on-board Bezos’ apocalypse dodging ring world. From there, the true work can officially begin. Here’s the plan.
First step is to immediately scrub all anti-Amazon and anti-Bezos literature from your social pages. Obviously if you are applying for off-world status, the first thing that Blue Origin is going to do is check your internet record for unwanted behavior. As you can guess, I am indeed sacrificing myself through the very act of writing this article, but it’s worth it. It’s worth it if our plan can come to fruition. Also, I’ve already written so much about him and his company that I’m in for it regardless. You’re welcome.
OK, next up, just start working out like you’re training to avenge someone. As we all know by this point, Jeff Bezos is obsessed with physical fitness and becoming the ultimate man. What better way to score points for the big man upstairs than to get as shredded as you possibly can? Plus, being fit will likely be useful in the times to come.
Finally, after you have submitted your application and personal essay, continue to buy as many Amazon products as you can. This is a risk, yes, but it shows Jebus Beffos two very important things about you and your character. A. You are committed to The Brand and B. You are confident you are not going to need your Earth money because otherwise you will be very much in debt.
Now, once you get in, and you will, you need to begin to make friends and make them fast. Start to build a coalition of like-minded individuals. Get together to discuss the absurd reality of the ring world you now find yourself living. Begin to plot a revolution from within. Destroy Bezos from the inside and continue the human race in a way never before seen, only imagined and dreamed. Do it for the rest of us who will be suffocating here on Earth.
Or, you know, we could just do it now and not have to risk the lives of everyone in the world on some billionaires dumb fantasy. Up to you.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood who hopes that Jeff Bezos has to read this one day. Improbable, yes, but how hilarious would that be if it actually happened?