“Rent? Food? Health insurance? I’m sorry, these are luxuries that you simply can no longer afford.” Enter Michael Kaleidoscope, financial advisor and debt counselor. Over the years, Michael has built up a practice of satisfied clients by giving it to them straight, never compromising what needed to be done for the sake of emotions or anything so frivolous. According to his business cards, he is all facts and professionalism, nothing more. Recently, Kaleidoscope has begun a new strategy that has lead to even more appreciative clients. “I call it the Hermit Approach,” explains Michael. “I simply advise my clients to never, under any circumstances, spend money.”
Wow. Groundbreaking stuff. In order to learn more about this exciting advance in the world of finances and advisors, we spoke with Michael further to try and understand exactly how his new strategy works.
“It’s really pretty simple: the less money you spend, the more money you have,” Kaleidoscope explained over the phone. “I honestly don’t know why more people haven’t figured this out, it just makes good financial sense.”
“But what about the things you do need to pay for, such as rent, food, and other activities that support your general well-being? Surely those are worth spending at least some money on.”
“You know, I used to think the same thing. But tell me, how long have humans been alive without money? Money is an illusion, it’s all in your head. By refusing to spend money in any form, you are saying that you believe in yourself more than you believe in the world and no one can stand in your way when that is your mindset. I don’t have time to get into all of the details with you, but I’m sure you would agree it is just a question of dollars and cents.”
“Yes, exactly, dollars and cents that no longer mean anything, according to your own theory.”
“Ah, you see, what I have explained is only step one in the process. The next step is to withdraw all of your money from all banks and financial institutions, put it in a secure lockbox, and bury it deep within the Earth. Then, you can start working on your doomsday shelter.”
“I’m sorry, lockbox? Doomsday shelter? Earth? You’re not making any sense. How can giving up money only then to bury it in the ground be a responsible financial solution?”
“Listen guy, I don’t tell you how to do your job, don’t tell me how to do mine. All I am telling you is that my clients have been over the moon about my services and you are welcome to speak with each of them about their experience with my multi-step program.”
“How many steps is this plan, anyway? ”
“17. But you have to sign up as my client to learn more.”
So, long story short, we are now a client of Kaleidoscope Inc. and we couldn’t be happier. I never realized how much “money” was weighing me down.
And if you are a skeptic like we were, don’t even sweat it. Once you see how it works, you will never go back. Never.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves you very much. Follow him @NPEllwood.