(Fredricksburg, TX) Listen up gal pals and man friends, we’ve got the inside scoop on the hottest new trend coming to the Hill Country since Enchanted Rock. A new vineyard is opening this spring and when you see what they are offering, you’ll know why some are calling them an early contender for Wine Magazine’s number #1 spot. In an early press release sent out to major influencers (like ourselves) to spread the message, the vineyard has stated that at the opening of each day they will release five jaguars that will then roam the enclosed area. Visitors will then have to evade these dangerous animals while enjoying their seasonal grape juice. What could go wrong!

 

We tried to speak with the owners of this establishment, preemptively titled “Hill Oasis Vineyards,” about their stirring the pot in the south Texas wine community. They were pretty ambivalent about everything, but they did let us in on a little secret. “We have learned that people will buy more wine when their adrenaline is pumping, so we figured, what better percolator for that C₉H₁₃NO₃ than dangerous big cats.

 

“It’s incredibly dangerous,” explained a doctor we found on the street. “People will die and I don’t know how this was approved.”

 

Neither did we, that is, until we did some digging. Boy did we find something. According to the documents submitted by the company to the regional legislator, they are not licensed to do this in the least. Apparently, they just assumed that it was the same as a goat yoga permit, but boy were they wrong. We came back with this information to the PR reps we had spoken with earlier and all they did was shrug.

 

“Listen, if people want to do this, by God, it is their American right to do so. Who are we to stand between them and what they desire to do?”

 

“This is going to be expensive in the end,” another lawyer on the street told us. “I wouldn’t take that case on my right arm and that’s a fact. Godspeed to them. Godspeed.”

 

If you happen to be one of those people who wants to try this, please let us know! We’d love to do a follow-up article about your experience and the overall survival rate. I have a feeling it won’t be great.

 

If you don’t want to be one of those people, start running now. Trust me, it’s for the best.

 

 

 

 

 

This was written by Nathan the Ellwood. Follow him @NPEllwood if you like long walks through the bogs of the south.