“Not Enough Songs About Swords,” Declares Nation


(Baltimore, MD) Every day on the news, in the papers, and shouted from the rooftops, we are reminded of the things that divide us. Like people who want to have a shouting neighbor and those who don’t (looking at you, Greg). However, sometimes the stars align and as a country, nay, a civilization, and declare what we all hold true and believe in. Things like knowing that slavery is bad and that Lupita Nyong’o deserves more leading roles. We are not here to talk about that, we are here to talk about a nation that has unitedly declared “We want more songs about swords!”


Think about it, name one popular song from the last 25 years that even mentions a sword. You can’t! When people say that music was better in the 1300s, this is what they are talking about. I could make a graph for you about how the lack of sword music has equally correlated with the lower IQs of humans, but I lied about being proficient in Excel on my resume.


Here’s what I want. I want Hozier, Florence, and any other swamp singers to embrace their true medieval selves and just make entire discographies of music about weapons, armor, and castles. Tell me right now that you wouldn’t listen to that and I will call you a liar.


But I don’t want it stop there, no sir. We are just getting started. Kendrick Lamar AKA Kung Fu Kenny could write entire albums just about katanas. Again, tell me you wouldn’t listen to that. Have people bragging about their iced out hilts and their shields made of solid gold. Instead of grills, we could have dope chainmail armor sets of all different kinds of precious stones and gems. I want this future, don’t you?


All we need is to get Change.org to sponsor our petition and then we send it all the way to Obama because honestly he could help us more than anyone else currently in office. Well, except for AOC, she’s so hot right now. Once we hit 1 million signatures, something is bound to happen, right? I’m not exactly sure how petitions work, but this seems like the right way to go about it.


Anyways, figure that out and we might have a sword revolution on our hands. That nation wants it, you’ll see. You’ll allllll seeeeeeeee.






This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would like to create a made-up world for you to live in where everything is candy. Follow him @NPEllwood.


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