Hi there, my name is Jack Ripped and I am here to teach you a valuable lesson about fitness. First, some trivia about me. I am a former navy seal, I love dogs, I’ve never been to Boston, and I am the only person with the knowledge you need to be ready to fight your double when they inevitably show up and try to kill you. This has nothing to do with Us or The Double or any of those movies or fads of the moment, this is something that has been passed down for generations in my family. I am sharing it with you today in hopes that this workout regimen will save you, will save us all, from what is coming.
Step 1. Buy a Bowflex. I don’t know how or why, but this machine somehow trains all of the right muscles that you will need in the upcoming fight against your other self. Maybe they were on to something.
Step 2. Marry a Prime Minister. Doesn’t matter which one, but you will likely be more prepared in general to fight your double from a position of power like that. Don’t knock it until you try it.
Step 3. Begin to work on your core. Not necessarily your abs, more your moral core. It’s not easy to kill your double. Take some time alone with nature and really find yourself. You need to know who you are before your double tries to convince you that you aren’t you. That’s how they get you.
Step 4. Loosen up a bit. Try yoga. Life is short and your double is going to be prepared, so enjoy the little things. We might have stolen that from Zombieland, but it works.
Step 5. Look in the mirror. Start to hate that image looking back at you. Yell, scream if you need to. Then start doing crunches. 1, 2, 3, 4. You get it. Keep staring, keep staring. Scream again. You’re almost ready.
Step 6. Come to terms with the fact that you will never be ready to fight your doppleganger. Sorry, that’s just not the way the world works. Get over it.
Now you’re ready. Good luck!
This was written by Nathan Ellwood who met his double but he didn’t seem very interested in fighting, just wanted to talk about what it all “meant.” Yawn. Follow him @NPEllwood.