Hi there internet! This is Lena Dunham and the writing staff of Eritas Daily coming directly to you across the world wide web. Over the last few years, you may have seen me on TV or in a movie doing something goofy and relatable, but recently I’ve realized that writing and acting are just not for me. I want to find my true calling and finally, hopefully, be happy. Unfortunately, I am incredibly indecisive, so today in this exclusive article, I am recruiting you, the good people of the internet, to help me decide on my next career path. And, while you are welcome to write in an answer in the comments below, I was hoping you could just choose from the following list I threw together.
Option 1: Pediatrician. I’ve always loved kids and being right about things, so I hope that those two passions could come together pursuing this career. Wait, hold on, my assistant is describing to me how much school it requires to become a pediatrician and now I am getting upset. Strike this one and don’t vote for it, trolls.
Option 2: Family Counselor. Again, not to toot my own horn here, but I have a good relationship with my family and I believe I have a lot to share with others about how to work through their problems. Plus, who knows, maybe I could swap families if I find a cool enough one.
Option 3: Umbrella Salesperson. Someone’s gotta do it, right? So I figure, why not me.
Option 4: Astronaut. I just saw this movie High Life and it really changed me. I think that I could do it. Plus, I am volunteering right now to be shot directly into a black hole if the people who are in charge of these decisions make me an astronaut. So, yeah, get back to me NASA if you want to know what happens inside of a black hole.
Option 5: Director. This is obviously more of a lateral move, I will admit. I think I got the hang of it when I did a few episodes (19) on Girls, but I’d really love to show what I could do. In college at Oberlin I did this art film for a class where I made a stop-motion video of of the trash can in my bathroom during my period. People called it ‘cool,’ ‘alarming,’ and ‘grotesque.’ Tell me I wouldn’t make it in Hollywood.
Option 6: Pastry Chef. I’ve also been watching a lot of Great British Bake Off and I think I have what it takes to compete at a semi-professional level. That’s right, I wouldn’t be in it for the money or the wealth or the sex, not even for the food. No, I’m in it for the glory. That’s why you should vote for me, my future, and this option.
OK, that about does it. Looking forward to what you choose for me! I’m so tired of doing these sorts of things on my own.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, not Lena Dunham (gasp!). Follow him @NPEllwood.