(County Wicklow, Ireland) Hello there! How’s the craic? Welcome to this lovely corner of the world known as Ireland. It’s a wonderful place full of rolling green hills that make England look like a trash refuse. Literal quote from C. S. Lewis. We are so glad that you are here to come and soak in the culture of Ireland all while insisting to locals that your family originally hails from here. Recently, there’s been a new reason for tourists to come visit our grassy knolls. So come with me and let’s go check out the bog where we dug up Hozier!
That’s correct. The “Take Me to Church” singer was found in the bog known to locals as ‘God’s Stew’ in 1990 by a group of sheep herders that were chasing a lost lamb. For days after being excavated, the man we now know as Hozier did nothing but stare into the flames of the fire and regain his health. A few days later, he finally got up and left the tavern where he had been brought. He then hopped into the nearest pond, bathing and getting refreshed. After that he dove down for a full two minutes beneath the surface and when he emerged, he was carrying a moss covered guitar.
The next week, word spread across the countryside of a tall, incredibly handsome bard making his way through the different counties, spreading his whimsical joys and songs of woe. For years, all of Ireland was in a state of constant merriment from hearing this man’s tunes. It was a blessed time. Sadly, it ended far too soon.
Just months after we dug him up, Hozier was gone again. No one heard from him for years and years. His name became more myth than history and every musical act from then on was trying to capture what he had given away so freely. Then, out of nowhere in June of 2013, Take Me to Church hits the scene and everyone lost their minds.
Anyways, you know the rest. More importantly, we now have named Hozier’s bog a national historic site and can legally charge you thirteen euro to see it. So come on down to Hozier’s bog and buy a t-shirt, tell your friends, and don’t look directly into the ghouls’ eyes!
See you on the other side.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would like to elaborate, but that’s not how Tuesday’s work. Follow him @NPEllwood.