Today is the day, everyone. No, not Memorial Day, although our neighbors to the south are sure to have a good time with that whole thing. No, I’m talking about the day we have all been waiting for, the day that the Canadian government is finally going to unveil their 5 rules for being a true and proper Canadian. We have been dying and dying to know how to live our Canadian lives to the utmost and fullest. How can we do that without strict, explicit guidelines and rules? I for one would like to find out.
And here they are, we have just received them! No dillying, no dallying. It’s time to be the Canadians we have always dreamed that we might be.
1. Respect the Road.
You may not know this, but Canadians are total roadheads. They love nothing more than just taking out the ol’ automobile and throwing it into max drive straight toward a glacier. Then, you don’t let up until their is a you-sized hole in that glacier.
2. Always Paint the Flag on Your Face.
As displayed in the above image, all citizens of Canada must now paint their faces with the flag at all times to identify themselves to the world. Everyone will know what Canadians look like and what they do because we will force them to do so.
3. Celebrate the Land.
This land is our land and it is worth celebrating. Don’t look into that more.
4. Never Stop Smiling.
Nothing is better than a warm, toothy grin, am I right? Never let yours stop shining. Always be expressing the physical display of happiness. We can’t let non-Canadians think that we ever let up, that we ever surrender. We must wear our horrid, painted faces and grin like the world is about to end. Forever.
5. Embrace the Cold.
Canadians don’t complain, as everyone knows, and we actually do have a lot to complain about. Mainly the cold though, if we’re being honest. So, what must we do? We must embrace the cold, love the cold, and never let it get us down.
Alright, that does it for our new rules. Remember that they are mandatory and also now in effect. Don’t get caught by a mounty without a fresh smile and a painted face, you will regret it.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood who has been to Canada a couple of times, but forgot to celebrate the land so he got thrown out. Follow him @NPEllwood.