(Washington, D.C.) In the two and a half years since President Trump was elected, House Democrats have been doing their best to make his life a personal hell. Everything the President tries to do, they let him do while scoffing, protesting, and sometimes even naysaying. They have done so much to stop him that the news won’t stop talking about it! Now, in a recent speech given by prominent members of the House, they have gone further than we ever thought they might date. For his crimes against America, they have DEMANDED that President Trump release his wrist for slapping.
As you can imagine, this has lead to an explosion of hostilities being thrown from both sides of the aisle and it has not been nice. Abraham Lincoln once said, “What ever happened to civility?” And you know what happened to him? I should hope you do.
Nancy Pelosi was one of the first to start making demands and draw a line in the sand so that no one would have any confusion of whose side they were on. “We are a nation of laws, borders, and the quaking beast we all pretend doesn’t exist. If we give into this futility, we will be lost.” She took a second to collect herself before continuing, speaking over the intercom of a D.C. McDonalds. “The crust of the Earth is rising and the warlocks will have their day. BEWARE, BEWAAAARE.”
Mitch McConnell was quick to respond, calling the whole thing ‘pitterswarsh.’ He then was seen crawling into his limo after a particularly tasty looking leaf.
Never one to miss out on the fights, Trump himself got on Twitter and told the world, “No one will ever see my huge and beautiful wrists that are also skinny and handsome. No other President ever had to show their wrists in this fashion and I won’t be the first. The DEMS want you to believe that the Moon won’t kill you, but my father told me early on that that wasn’t true. He told me the truth about the Moon and I am the only one who can save us from it.”
Obama even came out of his hideaway spot to send a scroll in a bottle to his good friend Beyoncé, who then put his words into a new song. “America, we must not forget the sanctity of the role of President in these heated debates. We must trust the process and never think outside of the box that is government, otherwise our entire commonwealth will fall to ruins. Also, check out my Netflix show.” That last sentence was spoken in unison by both Obama and Beyoncé, causing almost all Americans to enter a hypnotic state.
Looks like we’re just back where we started!
This was written by Nathan Ellwood who should have been a fish for all the swimming he is doing. Follow him @NPEllwood.