For the last 17 years, Monster Energy drinks have been terrorizing our mothers with thoughts of worry and destroyed the livers of teens everywhere. Now, the company behind drinks like ‘Monster,’ ‘Rockstar,’ ‘Blastoff,’ and ‘Triple-Blackout’ have announced that they are recalling many of their original formulas after thousands of customers across the country have claimed that they have given them superpowers. According to the study published earlier this month, the powers these teens have acquired or “grown” range from teleporting to various J.C. Penneys all the way up to straight up flight and Wolverine-like immortality. We wanted to hear from these teens directly, so we spoke with a few of them to get the inside scoop on this story.
Madison Wisconsin. 19. Buda, TX. I just needed something to get through Zero Hour in high school, OK? I didn’t think I was going to have all this Uncle-Ben-speech responsibility thrust upon me. I just wanted to go to junior college and take it easy, you know what I mean? Now I’m using all of my free time to save the people of my town and I don’t even like most of them! Ugh.
James Philbeanie. 14. Lincoln, NE. I mean, it’s cool to walk through walls and stuff, but it’s getting old. I have actually found a few places still selling them online and even went so far as to buy the remaining stock on the off chance that I can add to my powers. Sky High is the limt.
Klaus Traphobic. 16. Portland, ME. It all started a few years ago when a friend of mine gave me some Monster after school. I didn’t think much of it, but then a couple of months passed and I began to start accidentally taking my arm and legs off to go to sleep. Unfortunately, by the time I realized this, I was addicted to the stuff so I just kept doing it. Now I take my arms and legs off every night without even thinking about it, that’s how routine it is. But hey, that’s life I guess.
Hillary Billary. 13. ??? I’ve always sought the power to destroy, I just didn’t think it would be Monster that would get me there. Now, nothing will stand in my way and I will be the ultimate power in this universe and then the next. And the next. And the next.
Ross Power. 18. Des Moines, IA. I mean, I was born with the name Ross Power, so it was only a matter of time. I just wish my superpower took me anywhere outside of a J.C. Penney.
Trish Collins. 15. San Francisco, CA. As much as I miss my old life, people older than me are finally taking me seriously. I mean, they kind of have to when you’re a 15-year-old trans girl with the raw strength of an atom bomb. Let’s just say we’re going to be making some changes around here. And soon.
Boy are we sure excited to see where these young lives lead! The children are the future and per usual, the future is horrifying.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood who hopes to one day take a bus without knowing where it’s going. Follow him @NPEllwood.