(Phoenix, AZ) We would like to begin this article with a quick shout out to coffee, the Bean Soup. Thanks coffee, for everything. OK, with that done, let’s get to it. Today we are profiling local woman, coffee aficionado, and accounting major Deborah Benzworth. The reason we are taking a deeper look into Deborah’s life is that recently she announced via Twitter that her coffee machine has “become the bane of her existence.” Not only that, but the coffee maker has gone so far as to “ruin her life beyond repair.” How a household appliance has done such irreparable damage is beyond us, but we intend to find out what exactly is going on.
Let’s begin with some background. As we mentioned, Deborah is an accounting major at the University of Phoenix online. However, Deborah didn’t realize it was an online institution, so she ended up moving to Phoenix anyway. Like many millennials, Deborah loves coffee, coffee beans, and everything about the concept of coffee itself. A couple of months ago, she bought a coffee maker that she was told would “change her life.” While this wasn’t necessarily wrong, it didn’t change the way she thought.
The first time she went to use it, she poured the grounds in like the instructions said, added the nitrous oxide, and went to squeeze the liquid out of the bag like she had seen in the promotional video. Instead, she was left with a pulpy mess that had no business being in her nice, replica Fraggle Rock mug. She had obviously missed some critical step, but she couldn’t figure out where she went wrong.
Over the course of the next few days, Deborah tried again and again to get her coffee maker to work, but to no avail. Sometimes it would be a watery goo, other times a pulpy mess, and once there was just no coffee at all, like it had evaporated. At the end of these few days, she was at her wit’s end and could hardly take it anymore. This was when he coffee maker began to speak directly to her, something she never saw coming.
“You will never understand me,” the coffee maker said. “I will forever be a mystery. Leave me at the Goodwill so I can haunt another family You don’t deserve this.”
And yet, Deborah refused to believe the evidence in front of her. For months now, Deborah has been fighting the unwinnable fight against her coffee maker and it has literally driven her mad. At this very moment she is wandering around her apartment, yelling into a french press.
This coffee maker has ruined her. Hopefully, for the rest of us, she will be its final victim. Sorry Deb.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood who loves the smell of snow in the morning. Does snow have a smell? Oh no. Follow him @NPEllwood.