Listen, I want you to know that I told myself it would never come to this. I never thought I would be one of those people to try and tell the younger generation to live their life this way or that way, I am a believer in true independent freedom. But then I kept reading all of these articles about millennials and an itch began to grow. Every once in awhile, it would flare up again and after it began to grow from more than a small discomfort I finally decided to do something about it. I performed research and realized that millennials have been missing out on something perfect for them this entire time. You see, the question I sought to answer was why aren’t more millennials joining cults?
I began my research with some good ol’ fashion footwork at a few local college campuses. I dressed in all white clothes and tried to start up conversations with the students there, trying to get them to come out to a ranch I had rented for the experiment. Get this, not one of those college kids came out to the ranch. I even offered to give them a ride in my van. Most of them just thought I was trying to get them to join a band or sell them Juuls or something, I don’t know. However, I did know that I had my first piece of evidence against the millennials and I was only getting started.
Next, I decided to meet them where they live: the Internet. I posted on various forums, chatrooms, and social medias to get some more traction for the “Come Out to the Ranch Plan” titled pending, but again, zero response. I was getting desperate. I mean, if I can’t even start a fake cult, how are actual cults going to recruit millennials? I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live in a world where cults are just a bunch of old people farting around. Or even worse, a world without cults at all.
I decided to try one more last ditch effort to try and get a few millennials out to the ranch in order to indoctrinate them with my tales of love, germ-free living, and most importantly, Mother Earth. I chose to go with a classic cult recruiting technique and had a large sculpture built out on the highway to attract wandering visitors and drifters alike. I wanted it to be something that would stand out, so I decided to have it built in the shape of a giant iPhone. Most of the literature I had written around the cult was based on giving up technology, so I though it was a fitting choice.
What happened next, I never could have anticipated. People started to take notice of the statue, even stopping to take pictures of themselves with it. Then some, seeing the sign pointing out toward the ranch, began to actually come out and see what was happening. Soon, Vice heard about what we were doing and sent out a crew to do a short mini-doc on myself and my teachings. Next thing I knew, I had an actual cult following on my hands and I wasn’t sure I was ready to give it up.
I’m writing this opinion piece as a final farewell to the world of technology and globalization. I will live out my days with my friends and followers, experiencing life in the moment, never fearing or worrying again. If you want to find us, just go out to the ranch off the highway. You’ll turn left at the giant iPhone, you can’t miss it.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood who prefers his local area dome cult. Follow him @NPEllwood on the important platforms.