Boy I tell you what, there is nothing more annoying to me than when I go to squirt out my favorite condiment onto my plate of steak. But as I am sure you are aware, sometimes ketchup has this annoying habit of getting stuck in the bottle. Whether because it has been right-side-up for too long or this bottle is just being difficult, it seems that everyone has their own strategy for getting those last tasty drops of tomato paste out. Hoping to get a diverse look at this problem, we asked a few local uncles to come by and offer a round table discussion of the 7 best ways to get catsup out of the bottle. Here’s what they came up with.
Strategy #1: Knife.
The uncles didn’t specify exactly what to do with the knife, but it was on every single uncle’s list, so you know it’s gotta work.
Strategy #2: Big Squeeze
We asked for clarification and one uncle, he was wearing a hat, gave us this response. “Just use all your might to squeeze that catsup right out. Nothing to it but the squeeze.”
Strategy #3: Bang on the counter
Pretty self explanatory, but a tried and true method 9 out of 10 uncles said they would recommend trying “to help move things along.”
Strategy #4: Use a spoon
If you are truly desperate, you can dig that smooth tomato juice out with a spoon. However, we must tell you that this should only be done when alone, preferably in the dark, away from your friends and family. They will treat you like a freak.
Strategy #5: Lick it out like a dog
The other uncles all stared at the one uncle, he was wearing a tie, who suggested this. He tried to defend himself, saying “Sometimes you just gotta go for it, right?” He was quickly removed from the panel.
Strategy #6: Wait for the ketchup to come to you
Probably the most metaphorical take of the bunch, the uncles truly believe that sometimes patience just works. If you try all the other methods and can’t get it to work, try this one. You might be surprised. Tomato surprised.
Strategy #7: Buy another ketchup bottle
“Life is too short for this,” the uncles chanted in unison. “Just throw it away and buy a new one.”
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, the boy who was afraid of apples. Follow him @NPEllwood.