(Scottsdale, AZ) This message goes out to one person and one person only: Erwin Schrödinger. Eat your heart out, big guy. You thought you had something with your whole “is the cat dead or not” schtick while farting around Vienna, but I’m here to tell you that right here in the good ol’ U-S-of-A we have something that knocks that out of the park. That’s right, today I’m talking about a 4-year-old cat living in Scottsdale that can do something Schrödinger could never even dream of. Get this, he can eat and beg for food simultaneously. Is that nuts or what?
We first heard reports of “Spiffy” Collins back in 2017, when a video of him as a kitten went viral. We should have had our pet agent lock him down right then and there, but we missed the opportunity. Famed pet agent Duffy Miller had already scooped him up and we were left in the lurch with a parrot that could only say stuff in French. However, despite everyone’s suspicions that Duffy would turn Spiffy into a star overnight, no one heard from the agent/influencer duo for months. Some even thought they might have run off together to live a life of bliss by the seaside.
It wasn’t until a press release was issued by Psychology Today and In Magazine last week that any of us had heard the name Spiffy again. Most had already forgotten him, moving on to the next trend, but the love was still there. According to an intensive study of Spiffy conducted over the last two years known as the Collins Files, Spiffy can somehow perform multiple tasks simultaneously.
How does he do it? Well, we’re glad you asked. Apparently, the cat has two heads. I know, seems kind of like cheating, right? Probably should have mentioned this earlier in the article huh. Oh well.
But basically the two heads act completely independently, allowing one of the heads to meow loudly asking for food while the other head eats food at the same exact moment. Even with their split brains, the stomach works for both, so it actually works and produces results. Although it does beg the question whether hunger is in the brain or the stomach, as it’s possible one of the heads has never eaten anything in its life. Whoops, that’s actually kind of sad.
Honestly, my cat does this and doesn’t even have two heads, but you don’t hear me bragging about it, so maybe I’m not the most sympathetic person.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, Nate the Great, the New Kid on the Block who ate all of the string cheese at the first slumber party of the season and now isn’t invited over any more. Follow him @NPEllwood.