ICE Agent Sleeps Soundly at Night Reflecting on How Fondly Gestapo Remembered

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These days, it seems like everyone has a job doing one thing or another. With employment numbers higher than they have been in decades, people are doing everything from washing dogs to mowing lawns to helping the government track down, detain, and deport undocumented citizens that they deem “illegal aliens.” Although you may think this seems like a horrifying job that would only exist in an Orwellian nightmare, to many it’s just another ordinary job. “At first my conscious kept getting in the way of my work,” explained one ICE agent. “But then I began to reflect on how well thought of the gestapo is nowadays, and I start sleeping like a baby.”

 

While we interviewed other members of ICE, each conversation as disturbing as the next, we kept coming back to that sentiment. Hoping to try and get inside the mind of someone with so little regard for the human lives he is destroying, we followed-up for a more in-depth interview. Surprisingly, the agent in question was more than happy to speak with us. Here is the transcript of said interview.

 

 Eritas Daily Correspondent: Hello David, may I call you David?

 

David Grimly, ICE Agent: You may. Sit down, make yourself comfortable. Can I get you a V8? 

 

EDC: Absolutely not. Could I have some water instead?

 

D: Don’t have any. Please, continue. 

 

EDC: Now, we came here today to speak with you about some comments you made in a recent survey of ICE agents in regards to their mental health and how they deal with their job. You said, and I quote, “I began to reflect on how well thought of the gestapo is nowadays, and I start sleeping like a baby.” So, how do you justify that? 

 

D: I don’t know, it’s just like any other job. 

 

EDC: OK, but at your last job at.. *scanning notes* Burger King, you weren’t exactly taking children away from their parents indefinitely, right?

 

D: You’ve obviously never worked at BK. No, more to your point, I don’t really think about it anymore. You know, I keep seeing things about how Nazi’s are making a comeback and President Trump says that he has my back, so why should I care about what happens at my job? Plus, with him in office, it’s not like I’ll ever have to worry about the work drying up. I’m just following orders after all

 

Our correspondent had already left his house, fearing for his life, before that final sentiment had been uttered. He may have also left the stove on and set a timer on the pilot light, but that’s not important to the story.

 

In all seriousness, please donate to any of the following organizations.

 

We need all the help we can get.

 

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