(Irving, TX) “Shame on you, shame on you all.” Today, outside of the offices of Planet B Oil & Gas, executive vice president and chairman of the board Dill Buttersworth gave an impromptu press conference where he use his platform to call out a group of people you probably wouldn’t expect. “I see you, consumers, I see your every move. You buy your paper towels covered in plastic wrapping, only to put them in your plastic bags to take them home and then throw them away in yet another garbage can that will only further pollute our oceans. Shaaaaaaaaaame.” With this, Buttersworth’s mouth opened and a plague of locusts emerged, scaring away the reports covering his speech.
Not to be deterred, Dill drove to his nearby airstrip to take his helicopter around, speaking through the loudspeaker to people going about their business at a nearby suburban shopping mall. “Don’t you know where plastic comes from? Don’t you know where it will end up? Don’t you know how much money you’re making me? How can you continue to spend your hard earned money on something that is destroying our planet when you know good and well the consequences.”
“‘Remember icebergs? I sure don’t!’ That’s what your grandkids will be saying and all because you couldn’t do the laundry more than twice a week. Pathetic.”
Bored with the muffle response of the suburban area, CEO Buttersworth told his helicopter pilot to keep moving towards the downtown area. The sound of his droning and the helicopter droning was so loud as they flew that it began to cause major disruptions to local crow populations. No one could really understand what he was saying until the helicopter began to hover in place over Klyde Warren Park. When the rotors slowed enough for him to be intelligible he was shrieking, “People of Dallas, repent!”
With this, his helicopter transformed into a jet and flew directly toward the sun. We aren’t sure if he blasted off all the way in the into the sun, but honestly he’s rich enough that he might have the technology.
Feeling ashamed of their actions, people around the globe started a petition to end all paper towel production, distribution, and sales to finally step in the right direction to fight climate change. Unfortunately, by the time they had done that, the oceans had risen enough to wipe out the southern hemisphere, but yaaay paper towels.
This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who loves a good bit of jebbing around. Follow him @NPEllwood.