Quintuple Hopped IPA Loaf of Bread


(Denver, CA) “Now that’s hoppy!” Say what you will about breweries, but anyone whose been down to their local haberdashery lately can tell you that craft beer has come by storm and experts say, it’s here to stay. Nowhere has this been more obvious than here in the mountains, where the hops and grains used to distill America’s favorite yeast drink can grow wild in that sweet, summer breeze. Now, local brewery and taproom Sinful Regret is offering something that even hardcore beer drinkers are calling ‘too far’ and ‘against God’s will.’ We’re talking about their new quintuple hopped Laser Devil IPA, a revolutionary step in the world of beer.


“At first I was skeptical,” one patron told us, holding his beer that was literally just a loaf of bread. “I mean, $27 is pretty steep for a 12 ounce pour, but now that I’m trying it, I totally get it. I hope that in their next batch they make some jam or something to go with it, that could take it to the next level.” With that, he attempted to take a celebratory swig from his drink, but as we said, it had left liquid form some time ago and instead the bread slipped out of the glass and hit him directly in the eye.


Sinful Regret Brewing isn’t the first beer maker to attempt the quintuple hop, but they are the first to find the successful recipe. A couple of years ago, Spectral Kickflip Brewing in Austin, TX started advertising a quintuple hopped Crying Lightning IPA, but before they could sell a single can, the entire batch evaporated and was later found in the rural farmlands of Montana. No one knows how it got there, but it’s been there ever since, waiting for someone to come get it.


We talked with the owner of Sinful Regret about her formula for perfecting the quintuple hop and how she turned her struggling brewery into the talk of the town. “Well, I realized that it was mainly men coming into our brewery, so I decided to start catering more specifically to them by taking a page out of Gillette’s playbook. The more blades the better, right? Why not the more hops the better? Then after that it was a basic chemistry formula and bam, I had the most popular brewery in town.”


And she’s right. The Laser Devil IPA is now the highest selling beer in years and shows no sign of stopping. However, she’s got another trick up her sleeve. “I can’t leave out the ladies, I’ve got something for them too. In a week, we’ll start selling our new Angel’s Breathe Rosé Cider for anyone who wants it, regardless of gender. But I mean, let’s be real.”


Personally, I’m going to grab a six pack of each and let my body figure out the rest.





This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who would try it and most likely enjoy it. Just being honest. Follow him @NPEllwood.


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