As someone who just watched Snowpiercer and doesn’t want our world to end up like the ice planet in that film, I am coming to you today with a simple question. However, like any simple question, it will inevitably lead to other, more difficult questions. I accept this responsibility here and now, so let’s continue. You see, scientists have found that there is in fact a solution to the global climate change epidemic, something so simple no one had ever thought of it until now. The miracle cure-all we have been looking for is simply to stop making coffee and destroy all coffee production worldwide immediately. Now, this of course brings me to this fateful question: would you kill coffee to save the world?

 

Now, I would instantly, no question, but apparently it’s not as easy of an answer as I first thought. After talking about this on my podcast Talking Bread, people from across the internet have been telling how wrong I am, how they could never give up coffee. Some of these comments enraged me so much that I decided to respond to them in this article and give them my full, honest and true response. Here ya go internet, you asked for it.

 

Can you imagine not living with coffee, you damn schmuck? Are you trying to ruin my life? I would rather give up a better world for all future generations than never be able to slurp down my hot morning jo ever again. And I mean that. 

 

You are so close to getting it. So close. And yet, so incredibly far.

 

Coffee has been the hallmark of breakfast for centuries. You’re going to take that away from us? That’s against the constitution and my own strict ethical code. Who are you to say that I’ll never have a blonde roast again, huh? Who are you!

 

Listen, y’all. Parks and Rec + a little dash of weird toxic masculinity has forced you to believe that things like bacon, coffee, and breakfast are somehow unimpeachable as concepts. But you want to know what’s cooler than coffee? Not dying in an apocalypse at the crisp old age of 42.

 

And finally, this gem.

 

If you hate coffee so much, why don’t you just marry it? 

 

I would sooner marry Mother Earth herself than any such heresy as that. Shame on you, good fellow. Shame.

 

In the end, there’s no way to know if killing coffee will save the world, but shouldn’t we at least try it while we still can?

 

 

 

 

 

This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who hopes that your summer is temperate. And I really mean that. Follow him on social media because that matters.