Just one of those days where you don’t want to wake up, you know? Every day it is a struggling to get my head even 1 inch off the pillow. In fact, getting your head only one inch off the pillow is probably harder than actually just getting up. Try it some time, you’ll see what I mean. Anyway, today I took my time getting out of bed. I scrolled through my phone for a bit, browsed some memes, and then got up to start actually getting ready for the day. As I came into my bathroom I realized that today was going to be different, today was going to be interesting. I was looking at the man in the mirror and let me tell you, he was not happy with me.
“Hey man,” the imposter began. “What’s the big idea with all of this stuff you keep doing?”
Slightly stunned, I replied, “Beg your pardon?”
“This stuff, you know, your life. I only catch glimpses of it, but from what I can tell, you don’t really know what you are doing. Like at all.”
“Dude, you’re me. Why are you being so mean?”
“I observe you almost every single day, often at your lowest points. Of course I have a rough opinion of you, but despite all that, I still think it’s time you get your life together. Your mother and I have been talking and we all agree, which as we know is essentially setting the agreement in stone.”
“Oh god, why did you have to bring her into this? Come on man, it’s not that bad.”
“Sure, not that bad. Fine. You made me do this, remember that. Do I dare bring up the laundry? Do you want the people of the world to know your sin?”
“No, please. Don’t.”
“OK, for now. I honestly don’t know how I would unless you were writing about this experience on your blog or something. All I am saying, dude, is that the people on the other side of the glass would appreciate if you at least tried to make an effort.”
“Um, OK. That comment about my blog was weird, but I guess I could try a little bit more.” I admitted to myself in the mirror. “I guess I have been letting things slip.”
“There you go, guy. Now, buy a Ford Taurus.”
“Dude, I’m you. Have I ever steered you wrong?”
And so I decided to buy a Ford Taurus and honestly, I’ve never been happier. I just hope that he’ll at least see that and finally leave me alone. Otherwise, I’ll probably have to go full vampire and cut out mirrors entirely.
This was a silly little ditty written by Nathan Ellwood, who ate the last flaming hot Cheeto and will not apologize for it. Follow him @NPEllwood.