There Were No Cops in the 80s, Just Teens with a Knack for Vigilante Justice


Hello. Welcome to today’s report. Over the last several weeks, we have done intensive research into a subject near and dear to our hearts – the 80s. As a millennial born after this exciting decade, I have a nostalgia for this time that has only ever existed in my imagination. But let me tell you, it’s something that I have deep feelings and emotions about, so don’t tell me to shut up about it. Anyways, I am here today to talk about something I have discovered in my research on the 1980s. Apparently, police and law enforcement were almost nonexistent back then and justice was dolled out by teens with a knack for vigilante justice. Let me state my case.


First, an obvious example fresh on the tips of everyone’s tongues, The Goonies. What was that movie if not a parable for the woes of over-governance and a police state? Not sure what I’m talking about? Rewatch it and you’ll be surprised what you have forgotten.


Of course, my next point is another easy target, Stranger Things. With the third season dropping last week, many watching the show have wondered in their heads and on Twitter where the law enforcement is. I mean, obviously they were a big part of the first season and Hopper is still a main character, but it seems like the entire town of Hawkins just relies on the benevolence of El and her friends. Seems like they could be doing, I don’t know, anything to help them. Instead, they just eat donuts or some other classic pig tropes.


The more I watch these TV shows and films, the more I wonder if the reason Cale Dooper and Agent Mully and Sculder are such iconic characters is because by the time we got to the 90s, we were tired of having our teens do everything for us. Some sense of order was finally restored and the kids could just go back to being kids without the weight of the world on their shoulders. Have you seen Will Byers’ shoulders? No way are those puppies holding up a damn thing, man.


If anyone who was actually alive in the 80s wants to comment on this, please send us an email. I mean, it will likely be anonymous and there will be no way for us to fact check your claim, but we can at least add your theory to the dozens we have already received this morning for why the police were simply nowhere to be found for an entire ten-year span.


More on this story as it develops.






This was written by Nathan Ellwood, who ate the wind and was immediately sick with the flu. Would not recommend. Follow him @NPEllwood.

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